Kosutte! My Honey
by Fuwa Fuwa Jirai
Summary: When Sousuke ruins Kaname's day, and her workplace, he is roped into working with her at the cafe for a month. But the owner turns it into a cosplay cafe, and the pair must do their job in costume and in character! Just how much might go wrong?
1. Prologue

_Disclaimer: _Full Metal Panic! All characters belong to Shouji Gatoh, Shikidouji, and all the licensed companies. All other anime depicted belong to their respective owners.

_Author's Note:_ Art for this fic will become available over time. Visit livejournal, same username as the one here, minus the spaces. Link available on profile.

* * *

**Chapter Zero - Prologue**

All heads turned when the door slid open with a sharp crack, the students immediately dismissing the noise when they saw class representative Chidori Kaname storm in. It was no unusual sight, and they knew better than to stare when she was in one of her fits. Slamming her satchel onto her desk, she turned to face the kicked-puppy following her loyally into class, three lumps present on his head. Jerk had earned every one of them. Turning her chin up and away, she sniffed sourly, peeking over at Sousuke standing dutifully by her side as the morning's events replayed themselves before her mind's eye.

First he scared the wits out of the garbage man, claiming he had witnessed Kaname taking out her trash that night and that clearly the worker had been a spy trying to get a handle on her schedule by sifting through her trash. As if! Only a crazy military otaku pervert would do such an insane thing! And how did he know she took her trash out the night before anyway!? Creepy stalker!

After that disaster, some poor foreigner had asked her if she could help him figure out the train schedule. When the guy reached into his jacket for one of the inner pockets, Sousuke, _naturally_, assumed the man was going for a shoulder-holstered pistol. Jamming the barrel of his gun under the guy's chin, reminiscent of his dealings with Shirai, the tourist near wet himself at the aggressive and threatening display and ran off after a sharp downswing of her laden book bag knocked Sousuke to the ground. Of course, he tried to explain it away, saying it was the _natural_ thing to assume when one reached into their jacket, and that she needed to be more aware of her own safety, and he never got any further than that, the jackass!

And as if that wasn't enough! She had just gotten her indoor slippers on when she was roughly dragged outside and forced behind a blast shield! One would think by now he would know that no one is going to leave a bomb in his thrice-damned shoe locker! Poor Ohnuki! Kaname _hoped_ he got possessed by his chainsaw again and taught that dimwit a lesson that just might bash in past his military-grade reinforced steel skull! _Argh! Now _I'm_ considering things in militant terms! I'm going to kill him!_

Her fingers tightening on the handle of her bag, she noticed Sousuke continued to stand there, watching her, as though waiting for something. In no mood, she swung out her arm forcefully, smacking him in the chest with the satchel and shouted, "Just what is it now!?"

Barely flinching at the strike, he leveled his cursedly cool gaze at her, speaking in that tone of voice he reserved for those situations where he felt as though he were teaching her something. One would think he'd have learned by now that the particular voice tended to fuel her anger, but no, he had to answer her as though she were a child in need of a gentle lesson, "Chidori, it seems my actions this morning have upset you. I fail to see the reason you should be so angered when I have just been ensuring your safety to the utmost of my abilities."

Curse him! "You idiot, who would _want_ to be protected by a war-crazed, idiotic, senseless, dim-witted, clueless otaku like you!? Keep your crazy to yourself, 'cause I sure don't want to catch a case of the stupid!"

His face fell slightly, but she couldn't find it in her to care, instead ramming her bag onto its hook on the desk, near breaking it off in the process, and slammed her palms on her desk as the teacher walked in, startling poor Eri as she screamed out the commands "Rise!" "Bow!" and "Be seated!" in a voice that would make a drill sergeant envious.

The time until afternoon rest passed uneventfully. Kaname spent the short breaks between classes ignoring his very existence and an air of gloom surrounded the dejected sergeant that even the near-as oblivious Shinji did not want to get near. When the bell rang for lunch, he quietly rose to his feet and informed Kaname he was taking a restroom break, not even getting snapped at for sharing too much information with her. As soon as he exited the classroom, she let out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding, shaking her head. Kyouko got up and announced she was going to buy some pastries, leaving the room not long after Sousuke.

The moment she left, Ono-D rushed over to Kaname's desk and the two put their heads together conspiratorially. After a frenzied conversation, they grinned and left the room as well, heading out to meet up with Kyouko. A few minutes after that, Sousuke reentered the now almost empty room, stopping when he noticed a gift-wrapped package sitting on Kaname's desk. Staring at it, he could feel the sweat beading up on his face, and he gulped harshly. Everything in him screamed to nullify the threat, but he seemed to only be making things worse for Kaname with his efforts that day. Still, though, the one time he decided to be lax at her command would be the time it actually was a threat.

Mind made up, he dug into his bag and fished out a small amount of plastic explosive, instructing the remaining students to exit the room. Not one to argue with the dense boy, they obediently retreated far, far from the location, leaving him to destroy half of the room. The remainder of the room was trashed by the blowback, and Sousuke nodded in satisfaction as yet another threat was neutralized. The celebration was short-lived however, as a familiar stabbing pain lanced through his skull at a harisen strike, and he found himself on the ground and turning to look up at a view that had him turning uncharacteristically crimson. Pink satin panties were all he saw before a foot landed across his repeatedly and forcefully, barely making out her screaming words like "Pervert!" and "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"

Onslaught coming to a halt, he dragged himself off the ground with a dull "That hurts you know" before being reacquainted with the tile floor once more. Some lessons stuck, and he kept his eyes squeezed shut when he found himself at the simultaneously fortunate and _un_fortunate vantage position again. Expecting more attacks, he blinked in confusion when they did not come, gaze fixed on the floor.

"Just what the hell are you waiting for, soldier!? Get up and explain the situation, now!"

Not one to defy a direct order, Sousuke bolted to attention, saluting Kaname sharply. "Sir! At 1248 hours I returned to the classroom and discovered a suspicious object left unattended! After evacuating the vicinity, I utilized my training to neutralize the threat by means of high-yield explosives!"

_**THWACK!**_

The tile was nice and cool against his abused skin, but unfortunately the ground was as unforgiving as the girl that put him there. "Do you have any idea what you've done!?"

"Have you experienced any blackouts recently, Chidori? It appears you may be suffering from some memory deficiencies and you may need to be-!!"

"My memory is just fine!" she kicked his head into the ground repeatedly once again, livid. There was a limit to how clueless one person could be!

Sounding unaffected, though his head was pounding, Sousuke shook his head in confusion, "Then why did you ask me if I knew what I had done? I gave you my full report."

"You've ruined everything, you maniac! You have no idea how long I've been helping Ono-D plan this! He was going to give that package to Kyouko as he asked her to be his girlfriend! It took him forever to find just the right gift, and now you've gone and blown it to pieces!" Her body shook in barely suppressed rage as she glared daggers down at him.

Shifting to a sitting position on the ground, he rested his hands humbly on his knees as he looked up at her, "Chidori, if you had informed me earlier of your intentions then such a situation could have been avoided. This is what occurs when there is a breakdown in communications, such as in the case where-."

"Shut up! I hate you!" tears stung the corners of her eyes as she shouted those words at him and ran towards the girl's room as quickly as she could.

Sousuke stared after the girl for several long moments, stunned. Slowly coming back to himself, he turned to survey his surroundings, noticing many of the female students that had born witness to the event were now towering menacingly in a circle around him, and that Ono-D knelt on the ground, mournfully holding the scraps of brightly colored paper that once lovingly enfolded the small package.

* * *

The shadows crept through the windows as he finished sweeping up the last of the dust from the classroom. Fujisaki-sensei had issued his punishment when he had returned from retrieving his graded tests and found everyone else attempting to shove Sousuke out the window. Thankfully Sousuke had escaped with only minor scrapes, but the class still seemed to hold a grudge. Since their release he'd made sure to clean the windows, polish the desks, wipe down the chalkboard, clean the erasers, and empty the trash. Wiping the light sweat from his brow, Sousuke finished putting the dust pans contents into the last trash bag. Kaname had left ahead of him to report to her part-time job, not even bothering to say farewell before exiting the premises.

Glancing out the window, Sousuke noticed that the sun was dipping lower in the sky. Thoughts of the creeps Chidori could meet on her way home began to tease his senses, giving him nervous twitches as he finished his work. Finally finished, Sousuke rushed from the school's vacant grounds and down the street toward her place of employment. Running the whole way there, he was able to reach the small café in less than ten minutes. _'That's a new record for me,'_ he thought as he searched for her from the outside window.

Setting down a parfait for a young couple, Kaname straightened up and wished them a good meal before glancing up and looking out the window. Catching sight of the very last person she wanted to lay eyes on at the time, her eyes widened in distress before darting to the kitchen, a dark look crossing her face as evil thoughts clouded her mind.

Immediately put on alert by the distraught expression he had been able to recognize on her face before she turned away, he began covertly noting even the smallest details of his surroundings while simultaneously removing his trusted Glock from the holster at the small of his back. Just as he had confirmed there were no threats to impede his entry, he heard an agonized shout from within the building that triggered him into action. Shooting out the windows, he flung his body inside, rolling along the shards of glass and kicking to his feet. Knocking over a table for cover, he shouted over the screams of customers for his charge as he scanned through the crowd, looking for her.

Turning to head for the back rooms, he only had time to widen his eyes as an unusual fear gripped him scant moments before a resounding smack from a paper fan knocked him into oblivion.

* * *

It was cold. Extremely cold, he noted, after taking stock of his situation. His hands appeared to be zip-tied above his head. He would have to experiment with the restraints in a moment to find the extent of his range of movement. Other than the expected headache he appeared to be uninjured, and he began to twist his arms around in subtle motions, testing for any weak spots. Cracking open one eye ever so slightly, he was rather… discomfited to find himself staring into the large eye of a tuna, and he blinked both eyes open completely in spite of himself.

"Satisfied with your situation yet, Sergeant?" a clipping voice sounded from nearby, and from the lack of any footsteps, Kaname must have been standing there the entire time. He swung his head up to stare at her, at once relieved to find they were not in enemy hands, and disturbed to realize he was at her complete mercy.

That couldn't end well, he thought with chagrin, his lips pursing together in slight irritation. "Chidori, if there is an attack I will be unable to-!"

She booted him in the gut, arms crossed haughtily across her chest. She was in no mood to play nice, and she stared down at him with indifferent eyes colder than the freezer they were in. "None of that. Care to explain yourself?"

"You appeared to be in-," the interruptions were getting annoying, but hell if he would say anything just then.

"Never mind, it's not as though you'll say anything that excuses your behavior anyways. You never do. It's lucky for you that I was able to talk my boss out of calling the cops," seeing his mouth open, she kicked him again for good measure. "No way, no interference, this is all you Sousuke, sink or swim by yourself for once. You're going to work off what you did, you understand me? Indentured servitude, from here on out, you'll be working here until you've paid off the damages to the store, got it? And you _will_ be thankful that I was able to get you that much!"

Sousuke wanted to protest, to say he had more than enough funds of his own even, but the look fixed on him convinced him otherwise. It was almost a blow to his pride that this untrained girl was the only person that ever made him feel fear, but if anyone who might have laughed at him were in his place, he was more than sure they would have died long ago. He muttered a soft "Yes, Chidori" instead, and her expression lost its severity as she smiled deceivingly sweetly to him while leaning over him with the box cutter to cut him loose. Hoping she would dismiss his blush as his skin chapping from the cold, he slowly rose to his feet, rubbing his wrists to restore circulation.

"Now, follow me. You're _my_ subordinate here, got it? You obey my orders or else!" He was well aware the threat was not empty, and he snapped to attention and barked a "Yessir!" She nodded, satisfied, and swung around, her loose hair smacking him in the face as she strode out of the walk-in freezer with a purposeful stride. He followed her diligently down the hall to the manager's office, the sweet smell of her hair haunting his senses. She knocked on the door, swinging it open when she heard her boss call out, and they entered the room swiftly, standing stiffly before his desk.

"So he's agreed then, Chidori?"

"Of course sir, he's agreed to all the terms."

"Excellent. While you were cooling off, I've taken the liberty of calculating the net total of all damages, direct and collateral. I have concluded that with the cost of clean-up, repair, replacement, loss of staff, and loss of clientele, you will need to work every day for at least a month, unpaid, in order to restore the profit margin to the black."

"Yessir!" clicking his heels together smartly, Sousuke saluted the shop owner, "It's not a problem!"

"Very good. You will begin work immediately," Kaname couldn't stifle a groan, assuming that as usual she would be stuck helping Sousuke clean up his mess. The man waved a dismissive hand at her and removed his reading glasses so he could focus more clearly on the two. "As I said, there is a cost for clean-up that needs to be repaid. You will not be assisting in that respect. What I need for the two of you to do is research."

"Research, sir?" Sousuke looked nervous. Academics were _not_ his strong suit. He thought he had been agreeing to manual labor, something that he was more than familiar with.

Pulling out a DVD from a drawer, he handed the case to the teenagers, Kaname tentatively taking it and turning it over curiously. "What's this for?"

"It's part of my plan to recover losses swiftly. This is going to become a cosplay café."

Kaname nearly dropped the disc as she yelped, her eyes widening, "What!?" She nervously glanced over at Sousuke, who appeared to be confused, mouthing the unfamiliar word as he tried to work out its meaning. Not only would there be embarrassing outfits, but _Sagara Sousuke_ was going to have to cosplay!? Didn't those kinds of shops also require you to be in character…? Of course, the DVD, research, it made sense now. "Oh no," she muttered.

"Chidori?" he looked concerned, wondering if he should begin counter-terrorist measures against the manager. All of his instincts had been wrong so far that day though, and he was willing to let it go a few moments until he got a better handle on the situation. "Chidori, I do not understand. What is this 'cosplay'?"

Sighing heavily as she looked at her boss and saw there was absolutely no way this was changing. Shaking her head, she turned towards the door, "I'll explain later Sousuke. We better get going if we want any sleep tonight, since we need to watch this." Looking over her shoulder, she nodded at the man, "Good night, Mr. Kawaguchi. We'll see you tomorrow after school."

Grinning, Kawaguchi Hiroshi nodded to the pair, "See you later, Space Cowboys."


	2. Mushroom Samba

**Chapter One – Mushroom Samba**

Kaname cringed as she looked at her reflection in the changing room mirror, the tight yellow top and daisy duke shorts causing her nerves to fray. Making sure the tall lavender tights were pulled up all the way, Kaname draped the bright red jacket across her arms before trying to calm herself with a deep breath. Squaring her shoulders, and determined to make the best of things, she left the dressing room to report to Manager Kawaguchi. Just as she was about to enter his office, she heard her name called, "Chidori?" Glancing over her shoulder, she found Sousuke dressed in a dark blue suit. Though at first it seemed almost too small for him, it still managed to let him move freely. "Am I wearing this right?"

Kaname tilted her head, giving him a once over, and shook her head, "No, no," she walked up to him, tugging on his tie until it was resting sloppily over his chest, ruffling his clothes so they looked like he'd slept in them and pushing up his sleeves. "That's better, but there's still something…," she 'hmm'ed thoughtfully, her chin resting in her hand as she took him in.

Sousuke fidgeted awkwardly, shifting his tie with a frown. He was so used to wearing his clothes to military designated precision, and he was even less comfortable in the tight and restricting clothes now, which he hadn't thought would be possible when he first donned the outfit! Kaname let out a small shout of triumph, and she turned to run into the back with a short "Stay there!" He watched after her curiously, wondering when she came back with her hand held out with a small pile of some kind of foam on her hand.

"Chidori, what…?"

"Need to fix your hair!" she exclaimed cheerfully, running her hands through his hair and mussing up the locks so harshly that he was amazed he wasn't getting some kind of motion sickness from the rough treatment his head was suffering. She took a step back and he scowled, not pleased at all with the feeling of whatever it was she had put into his hair.

Mud was more comfortable, and his frown deepened with a shake of his head, "Chidori, just what did you use?"

Giggling, she reached out and fixed a few more strands of his hair so that they fell _just so_, "Mousse!"

His eye twitched in annoyance, his only familiarity with 'mousse' being that of the dessert. "I fail to see what purpose a chocolate dessert might serve being placed on my head."

Kaname blinked at him, confused by his statement for a moment. When it dawned on her, she sighed, burrowing her face into her hands, "You idiot. I'm talking about styling mousse, it's _made_ for going in your hair! You don't eat it!"

"But when you were teaching me about the menu at this place, you said that it was-!"

"Never mind what I said! It's a different kind of mousse! Would you eat an M67 grenade just 'cause it's called an 'apple'!?" she stared at him for several seconds before the weight of what she had just said sank in. "Argh, now _I'm_ talking like an otaku!!" she cried, pulling her fan out of seeming no where to smack him over the head with it.

Sousuke sat on the ground for just a moment before scrambling to his feet, his hair flattened where the harisen had smacked him, making it into some kind of demented inverse mohawk. Kaname grumbled even more, and she wondered more and more just how it was she had yet to suffer an aneurysm dealing with his idiocy.

As she messed with his hair again, he was forced to bend over, and it was rather difficult for him to keep his eyes from wandering over her mostly exposed figure. "Chidori, are you sure you can go through with this? That outfit is rather…," he trailed off, and she immediately went on the defensive.

Hands planted firmly on her hips, she stared him down fiercely, "It's rather what!? Are you saying that I can't handle my job, Sousuke!?"

"No, that's not, I mean, I would never doubt your ability, it's just that… uh," he swallowed thickly.

"It's just that what? You think people go blind looking at me or something!?"

"Ah, no! But… uh, it's just that, well… y-your looks can be, er, distracting at times…"

"So I'm ugly, is that it? So horrible I break mirrors or something? Am I _that_ hideous, Sousuke?"

"Negative, Chidori. In fact many of our classmates enjoy looking at you."

"D-Do you…enjoy looking at me Sousuke?"

"Uh…," he always was known for his eloquence.

They stared at each other, cheeks stained pink as Kaname stared expectantly up at him and he stared incredulously down at her, unsure of how to answer. Wasn't it obvious!? They each near jumped out of their skins when a voice suddenly piped up nearby, "Afternoon Sagara, Chidori. I see my two finest assets are doing well today."

Sousuke choked on air and Kaname shrugged her shoulders violently to lift up the red jacket and wrap it tightly around herself, chest heaving violently as she tried to calm herself from shock and embarrassment. It took him a moment, but when Sousuke spoke he was able to keep his voice level, if strained, "Sir, I do not think that Chidori's attire is appropriate." Kaname glanced up sharply, her heart skipping a beat as her eyes starred over. "In one of the locations I grew up in, only the least desirable harlots would parade themselves around so shamelessly. In fact one of my-!" a fist pounding on top of his skull interrupted his lecture.

"You insensitive jerk!! How dare you say that about me!!!"

"Chidori, you misunder-!"

_**THWACK!**_

"You filthy pervert!" Stomping on his head with her bright yellow ankle boots, both forgot that the manager was still present. Finding that they weren't about to stop on their own, Manager Kawaguchi coughed to get their attention. Kaname instantly blushed as she then realized the view she was giving the young man she trampled on so fiercely.

"If you're both finished, please report to your posts for the afternoon. Chidori, since you are more familiar with waitressing, you will take over, Sagara will seat the customers. Understood?"

"Ye-yes…" "Roger!" they responded simultaneously. Sousuke picked himself off the ground as though the beating was nothing, and considering how naturally they had fallen into the violent routine, it was probably something he was rather accustomed to. The manager shook his head, wondering if his shop would remain in the one piece it had been restored to for very long, what with these rambunctious teens wreaking nonstop havoc.

Taking him up to the front of the store, Kaname turned to give Sousuke a lecture on how to operate the front and cashier station. "Okay Sousuke, pay attention. All you have to do is ask how many people want to be seated, take them to a table, and when they're done, you ring them up on the register. Got it?"

"Affirmative, Chidori. Is that the extent of the host's mission parameters? What are the ROE?"

"ROE, what the hell are you talking about you military freak? No, none of that, just do what I tell you, don't make it any more complicated than it needs to be, idiot."

"Understood."

"Oh, and don't forget, while in that outfit you need to act like that guy we watched last night."

"I-I'm not sure I can do that Chidori."

"Just pretend you're on a covert operation working on surveillance or something."

"But aren't I already-"

"Just…do what you can. Okay?"

"Roger. I will do my best."

"And NO explosives!"

His mouth tightened into a thin line, but he nodded in agreement, however reluctant he was. She seemed satisfied enough, and she left him to his post so she could prepare everything for a night of waiting tables alone. Making sure that everything was in working order, she groaned as she slipped the jacket back down off her shoulders so that she looked the part. She very much hoped that not all anime characters dressed so promiscuously. Kaname liked to look good as much as the next girl, but this was really going too far! At the very least maybe the next one could adequately cover her butt!

* * *

Kaname sighed as she stretched her tired back muscles. Their first day as a 'Cosplay Café' was, at long last, almost over. Finally, she would be able to get out of the ridiculous yellow outfit and go home to a nice relaxing dinner and a hot bath. She turned when she heard the ring of the register, watching as Sousuke gave the customer their change. Despite a few hiccups, he had managed not to make too much of a spectacle of himself his first day. Then again, it _was_ only Tuesday. There were never very many customers until Friday afternoon, and even then, nobody ever got too rowdy. 'Still,' she thought. 'Did he really need to seat people based on a cursory glance of their combat ability?'

The act itself had been harmless enough; as the customers had still been seated and tended to anyway. Kaname had started getting suspicious when just over half the customers were being seated on the same side of the café. She had also noted that one lone customer was sat apart from most of the customers, in a wide open area at a four-top. Shaking her head, she groaned as she remembered the ridiculous conversation she'd had with Sousuke about the subject.

_**~~~Flashback~~~**_

Kaname had zipped about and took orders, making sure all the food reached their designated tables in record time. Though, because of some of her curious observations the moment she had just a few spare moments, she ran over to speak to Sousuke.

"Sousuke!"

"Chidori?"

"Sousuke, what are you doing? You're messing up the seating! And what are you doing seating someone who came here alone at a seat made for four people! We have booths for smaller parties, you should seat him there!" she panted, taking her eyes off of him for just a moment to look over the room once more. Satisfied, she turned back up to him, waiting impatiently for an answer.

"I don't understand what the problem is, Chidori. I have seated those civilians with young children or older or handicapped people in the back, and the young and healthy towards the front in case of terrorist attack. The former would be in the way and difficult to defend, especially if they were scattered about, while the healthy could be given weapons to participate in the battle." Kaname could feel her eye twitching and a vein in her head throbbing as her anger mounted, and she was about to shout at him when he continued on. "Also, that man is seated there so that I may keep an eye on him. He is very suspicious seeming."

_**THWACK!! **_

"Chidori, that hurt."

"What the hell, Sousuke!? Seating people by how they would react in a combat situation!?"

"But if the restaurant were ever to fall under attack-"

_**THWACK!! **_

"Shut up Sousuke!! Didn't I tell you during lunch today _not_ to go overboard on anything?!"

"Well yes, but I did not think that-"

She slammed the small clipboard she had to hold the papers she took orders on over his head, the flimsy wood snapping in half from the force. He fell to the ground, staying where he was just a moment before standing up swiftly and muttering something about how it had hurt. "Shut up! That's enough out of you! No crazy logic! Ahh! I don't have the time to explain this to you! Just… Look! I'll make it simple! Keep people that look noisy away from people that look quiet, keep people that look vulgar away from people that look sensitive, or with young kids, you know! This isn't a battle zone!" With that, she ran off to attend to the guests, having spent far too much time lecturing the thick-skulled moron.

Sousuke stood silently at the register, mulling her words over. It made no sense to him, it seemed horribly illogical, but if that was what she said… His head was aching quite a bit, and he decided that he would do his best to follow her instructions from then on. There was nothing to be done about the people he had sat already; he just placed the next family that came in near other families. So they were still in the back, it was where he had been putting them. He couldn't do anything about it now.

_**~~End Flashback~~**_

Kaname was brought out of her reverie when she heard a loud, if not obnoxious, coughing coming from table seven. She cringed when she realized she was right. It was her new _favorite_ customer. She'd never seem him before, but considering how annoying he was, and, of course, his winning personality, she couldn't care less if she never saw him again after that night. He was a middle-aged business man, about average height and a little on the heavy side. An observation that was a mystery to her, mainly because he seemed to find fault with _everything_ she brought him_. 'Great. Well, here we go again,'_ she thought as she walked over and struck a pose. Secretly, she was glad that she had to remain in character, as Faye Valentine often was not too kind with others she spoke too, though she was quite exceptional when undercover. Taking a moment to stick a candy cigarette in her mouth, she played as if using a lighter before leaning one arm on the table to look haughtily at the man. "What's up cowboy? Something you want?"

"My coffee is not hot enough." Kaname was doing everything in her power to refrain from growling. Brief fantasies of beating the living daylights out of the man in front of her danced through her head.

"No sweat, sugar. I can take care of that faster than bringin' in my next bounty."

"The more theatrics you use, the colder my coffee is going to be." Feeling the vein in her head throbbing, Kaname strained to keep the smile on her face. She just might decide to stop by the arcade on the way home so she could shoot something instead of giving over to the urge of asking Sousuke if she could borrow the gun she knew he had on him.

"Of course sir. I'll be right back." Kaname spun on her heel to fetch his precious coffee pot, grumbling incoherent curses about nasty old men and people never being satisfied.

Surveying the room, Sousuke stiffened when he saw Kaname at the suspicious man's table, the man seeming to be very angry about something. He watched as Kaname turned and began stomping her way back to the kitchen, her anger and frustration was evident on her face. Glancing towards the door in a quick check for any newcomers, he left his post and approached the man.

"Sir."

"What is it? You're terrible at this, you know that! I can't believe you would put me in the open like that, as though I were a leper or something! What is wrong with you!?"

"Sir," he started again, his voice tight. He glared down, reaching for his gun and drawing it enough to make his point, "I recommend you treat the waitress with more courtesy than you've shown."

"Is this the way you treat your customers?"

"It's the way I treat threats," he kept his gaze locked on the customer's, feeling disturbed by the fact that this person seemed to have no nervous reaction to the showing of his firearm. This man was _definitely_ a threat.

Scoffing, the customer ignored his existence, and he moved away after staying for several moments longer. He sat one more party before he heard something slam in the back. Rushing to check on Kaname, he was hit on the head as soon as he entered the room the sound had come from. "Sousuke! What did you do!?"

"I don't understand…"

"You booby-trapped the stores, didn't you? You freak! Clean up this mess, dismantle any traps you have set-up! I'll run the shop while you clean up! Can't trust you to do anything," she spun and left, not giving him any time to respond, as usual. Sighing, he got to work, though he just couldn't bring himself to take apart _all _the traps.

Putting on a calm front first, Kaname walked back out onto the floor, peeking at the front before checking on all the customers. It was exhausting, manning the café by herself. It was made even more so with a certain military maniac making everything _worse_. Spotting someone walking in, she finished up with her table before rushing up front, "Hi! Welcome! How can I help you?" she rushed over to the front to greet the new customer, finally getting a better look at him once she arrived at the register. "Oh, hello Ohnuki-san!" Catching her breath and grabbing a menu, she led the elderly janitor over to a corner booth near the window. "So what will it be tonight Ohnuki-san? The usual?"

"No thank you, it's a rather eventful night, so I'll have the special."

"An eventful night, sir?"

"Why yes, you see, today is my birthday."

"Oh! Then one special, coming up!"

"Thank you dear."

Sousuke came back out onto the floor and watched over his shoulder as Kaname went to the kitchen to put in Ohnuki-san's order. Another jingle from the bell on the entrance brought his focus onto a breathless and haggard looking Tsubaki Issei. His uniform was dirty and torn, and his hair was falling out of its normally tightly held pony tail. He also seemed to have one lens on his glasses missing, while the other had a crack and the frames were all but crumpled as they barely stayed on his face.

"SAGARA!! That better be you! I've had eight other people correcting me tonight, so don't think you can hide now!"

"What happened to you Tsubaki?" Sousuke's face remained blank and oblivious to why the young man's appearance was so worn. Seeing his reaction, Issei growled as the other lens from his highly abused glasses fell out of the frame.

"Don't play dumb Sagara! I left another letter of challenge in your locker! When you didn't show I went looking for you, and tripped a bunch of traps someone rigged on the athletics field!"

"So you ignored the warning signs then?"

"What warning signs!?" Tsubaki shouted as he aimed a punch for Sousuke's head, spinning quickly when the dodgy bastard ducked and began jogging away. Heading for the backroom, Tsubaki leapt onto the lone man's table, surely irritating the business man to no end. While chasing after him, shouting all the while about how Sousuke was a coward and needed to face him like a man. Kaname was walking out from the kitchen area, holding a tray with Ohnuki's order as the two rambunctious boys tore past, throwing her off balance.

A mite dizzy when she recovered, she turned to scream after them, "Fight on your own time, and don't you _dare_ ruin this café again!"

If they heard, they ignored her. From the backroom came a large clatter, startling the customers. There was the sound of doors slamming and muffled curses, then louder crashes and suddenly things came flying over the serving counter and into the lobby. Pots and pans went scattering and there was a sick wet _thud_ on a young family's table. Staring into the great yellow eye of the dead tuna that Sousuke had awoken to the day before, the five-year old girl seated there went wide-eyed and shrieked at the top of her lungs.

Gritting her teeth and bearing with it for the moment, Kaname huffed angrily before putting on a pleasant air as she returned to the old man waiting patiently, ignoring the carnage with fierce determination. "Here you are!" she exclaimed, setting down a cupcake with a candle in it, and his order of the special. Oblivious to his distress at the sight of what lay on the plate, she smiled and walked off to do some damage control with a cheerful "Happy birthday!"

And still, Ohnuki stared at his meal. The special that day was a bed of rice with sliced raw salmon, shredded seaweed, and chopped crab, all shaped and layered to be styled as a koi fish. His eyes welled up as they stayed fixed on the dish, remembering his beloved Catherine.

_**THONK!**_

The candle on the cupcake was blown out when a knife came flying from the kitchen with great force, piercing through the heart of the koi, through the plate, and embedding itself into the table so firmly that even King Arthur himself could not free it from its resting place. He stared at the ruined dish as grief threatened to overwhelm him. From the source of mayhem came more shouts and sounds of fighting, and then the tell-tale bang of a firearm discharging and a rubber-bullet tore through the cupcake and splattered red frosting all over the distraught janitor's face.

Suddenly, the light in Ohnuki's remote corner flickered and buzzed before blowing out and sprinkling glass and fluorescent residue on the table. After a few moments the lights nearest to him went out. Then it spread out to a slightly larger radius. Standing by the station near the register, Kaname looked up at the sound of electricity humming and glass popping. She glanced outside to see a storm brewing and pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Maybe it's a power surge," she mumbled.

From behind the serving counter on the kitchen side, Sousuke and Tsubaki lifted their heads and peered around. There seemed to be a cease-fire agreement as they looked nervously about, Tsubaki muttering, "I sense a familiar, terrifying power."

"Yes, I agree. A danger not even my time in Afghanistan can compete with," Sousuke spoke so seriously that Issei had to wonder if the boy had some kind of mental defect. As if he was _really_ from the Middle East.

Both went cold with fright when they spotted Ohnuki just as the rest of the lights exploded in a wave from the ominous man's position. Lightning flashed outside, the only light available to cast the looming shadow of a man possessed and gripping a knife. A Cheshire grin flashed their way and Tsubaki grabbed Sousuke by the collar and shook him roughly. "Where's the emergency exit!? Quick, before he-_!!_"

"_**DIE!!"**_

* * *

A few hours and a destroyed lobby later, the three teenagers stood before the manager's desk. The flickering light of a candle added a menacing aura to the man as they stood there, prepared to accept their fate. Well, mostly, anyways. Kaname was accustomed to being lumped in with Sousuke, but it didn't mean she was happy about it. Considering the distance between them, it seemed he was aware.

It may also have had something to do with his arm being in a sling.

The manager folded his hands in front of him in a way that made them feel they were facing the Student Body President, which just increased Kaname's trepidation. Hayashimizu was known for his bizarre methods of discipline, and finding fault with the wrong people. She swallowed against the lump that had formed in her throat, sparing a glance for Sousuke that spoke volumes. Oh, he was going to _get it_ if _she_ was in trouble.

"Well, it seems my restaurant has suffered considerable damages once again. And another trouble-maker has been added to the mix," the manager's voice was kept dangerously low, his eyes narrowed as he looked the three over with a critical eye. He sat up, the light from the candle fading from his face and leaving only his mouth illuminated for them to see. He reached out and grabbed hold of some sheaves of paper, tapping them on the desk to neaten the stack before fanning them out before him and taking hold of a pen. His mouth twisted into a maniacal grin as he began scribbling on a document, and the students felt the cold wash of fear splash over them. "So, I have decided…," he pulled out his signature stamp, pressing it decisively to the document and handing it out to the fearful group, "…that Tsubaki must earn his keep now, same as Sagara, and work here for the next week as penance."

"What?" Tsubaki could almost feel relieved, if that was the most his punishment would be. He had worked at a restaurant before.

Kaname took the paper and scanned it over, a consternated smile twisting her lips, and she laughed softly and almost sorrowfully. Holding it up, she waved it at Tsubaki, her head shaking, "Without pay."

He stared at her for several moments, completely frozen. Then…, "_What_!? Sagara!" he turned abruptly, pointing an accusatory finger at the other boy, "Sagara, this is all your fault! I'm going to get you!"

"Uh…," Sousuke figured that if the sentence had been delivered, then it was likely safe to get out of there. Certainly it was safer than staying. He turned tail and booked it out of the manager's office as fast as his injured body would take him, which, considering his conditioning, was thankfully faster than Tsubaki's own heavily bruised body would work.

Standing behind in the office, Kaname shook her head, muttering under her breath, "Boys have so much energy…"

The manager chuckled and nodded, opening up a drawer and handing a small pile of things stacked on top of a DVD case to her. Sifting through the materials, Kaname picked up a wrench that had been laying on a glove with an odd glyph on it, turning the heavy metal object around in her hands. "What do I need _tools_ for?"

"You'll find out," the manager grinned, leaning back into his chair and fading completely from view.


	3. Equivalent Exchange

_Author's Note_: Check the livejournal mentioned in the prologue/linked to on our profile for art on this chapter! More will be added over time.

* * *

**Chapter Two – Equivalent Exchange**

The three teenagers retrieved their costumes from the manager and trudged to the locker room, exhausted from the night before. Getting chased by a homicidal janitor then staying up all night watching a show for 'research' while doing homework did not make for a good night's sleep. A day of school with another day of work to look forward to was not very restful either, not to mention that the boys were still nursing a few good wounds and bruises courtesy of said crazed janitor. Sousuke had taken the most damage out of the two; as such he still had a twinge in his arm and sported a bandage wrapped around a very impressive blacck eye. Tsubaki had managed to get away with only a few heavy bruises, and, thankfully, those wouldn't hinder his ability to work while serving his penance.

Kaname took her pile of clothes into a small changing room, closing the curtain, she poked her head out, "If either of you boys dare peek, I'll rip your eyes out and make jelly out of them, got it!?"

"Of course, Chidori," Tsubaki set his clothes down on a bench as he spoke with a tired voice.

Sousuke, damn him, seemed unaffected by a night of almost no sleep. He turned his head up as he started, unfastening his school uniform jacket, the collar hanging loose as he spoke, "Chidori, that really would not happen. It's a common misconception about eyes, but they have a different texture than-_!_"

Kaname's uniform jacket smacked him in the face as she growled, ending his lecture on human anatomy. "Shut up, you freak!" she screamed, sliding the curtain closed angrily.

Staring at him with wide eyes, Tsubaki shook his head, "I'm afraid to ask how and why you know that, Sagara."

Sousuke shrugged out of his jacket, folding it up precisely and setting it down beside his change of clothes. He looked up at Tsubaki then, his face grave. "It was when I was fighting in Myanmar with the anti-government rebels. We were in the forests, and-."

"Oh, come on! That isn't even right!" Tsubaki shouted, pulling away from Sousuke, who stood there confused. He hadn't gotten to any part of the story that should have garnered such a response. He set his folded pants down just as Kaname burst out of the changing room, her skirt still on, but she had already changed from her shirt into Winry's simple breast band.

"Boys! No fighting, you-! Ah… AHHH! Put it away, pervert!" Kaname's blouse hit Sousuke with a surprising amount of force as she shut the curtain again in great haste. Still confused, Sousuke folded her shirt – and jacket – and then set them beside his own clothes. He was unsure of why they were freaking out just because he was pants-less – and commando.

Tsubaki was busy muttering under his breath angrily with his back turned away, something about life being 'not fair.' Sousuke didn't really understand what wasn't fair about it, or just why the other boy kept looking over his shoulder and at his groin. He quickly donned the outfit of the military state alchemist, pulling on the gloves that the Flame Alchemist wore. After replacing his head bandage with a more comfortable eye patch, he quietly continued the task of putting on the thick leather boots. Tsubaki settled on the cloak that Ed wore, pulling his own gloves tight when Kaname timidly called out, asking if they were decent. After Tsubaki answered she pulled back the curtain slowly, a light blush on her face as she teetered out with her knees pressed shyly together.

Sousuke straightened his uniform jacket, making sure the collar was tight and stiff, then glanced sidelong at Kaname and frowned in concern, "Chidori, are you all right? It took you a long time, and you look like you might be ill."

"I-Idiot! It's your fault!" the blush got a little darker as she spoke.

"My fault? I don't understand. If you're getting sick, then…"

"I'm not sick!" her face was beet red, her arms stiff at her sides. She leaned forward on her tip-toes, keeping her distance but at the same time trying to look closer and more imposing. Her eyes peeked open against her will, her gaze fixated on his crotch.

Sousuke frowned, wondering why they kept staring at him there. It was as though they'd never seen a man naked before. And considering Tsubaki was also a guy, that'd be quite interesting. The very idea was an absurd concept anyway, as the school did have very informative diagrams of basic human anatomy in the biology books. Kaname caught herself staring and screamed, throwing her wrench at Sousuke, and then ran out of the locker room, a few desperate tears flying from her eyes. Rubbing his head and holding the wrench he sighed, feeling yet another painful bump beginning to form on his head. Every time he walked into that café, he seemed to do nothing more but make Kaname miserable. He had little time to think on it though, as he turned and ducked a fist flying for his face. "You bastard, you made her cry!"

He was reminded of the time he had made her cry on the TDD-1, but at least then he'd actually done something to deserve punishment. With a long, suffering sigh, he dodged more attacks while gathering up his and Kaname's clothing and put them away. As he jogged out of the locker room, he idly wondered at how much trouble he was going to be in from the dents left behind thanks to Tsubaki's missed strikes. He turned to the kitchen, assuming that the danger presented by fire and knives would make Tsubaki back off. No such luck though, and he ducked behind a counter swiftly just as the boy launched another fierce attack. He stopped short when he heard the strike land on flesh and a man moan in agony.

"Hah! Take that, Sagara!" Tsubaki punched the air a few times, gloating about how he finally had given Sousuke a good enough lesson. He slowed when another blurry form stood up from behind the counter.

"Uh, Tsubaki, you hit the cook."

"What!?" A grim look came over the boy as a pained groan floated up over the side of the counter. Moving over to get a better look, Tsubaki cringed at the sight of the cook sprawled on the floor. The thought of what Chidori would possibly do if she found out what happened had a shiver running up his spine. "B-B-But I didn't mean to!!"

Shaking his head and sighing again, Sousuke rubbed the back of his head. "You really should wear your glasses."

"Don't patronize me!" Just as Tsubaki was preparing to advance again, Kaname skidded on her sandals through the door, a look on her face that would have had even the possessed Ohnuki backing off.

"I _said_ to cut it out, dammit!" Kaname screamed, launching cast iron pans at the pair that embedded themselves in the walls by the boys' heads. "Just what in the hell do you two think you're doing?!"

They both stopped short, staring at the new wall ornaments as sweat poured down their faces. "Uhh…," the two uttered in fear, slowly turning to see Kaname fuming. Both boys cowered for a moment, waiting for their hearts to start beating again after their near brush with death by heavy cooking pans.

The manager chose that moment to come in behind her, shaking his head in dismay, "Oh dear. Mr. Takanouchi!" he ran over to the cook, kneeling beside the felled man. He looked up at Tsubaki with theatric tears streaming down his face. "You… You _monster!_" the manager's outburst was so cheesy that Kaname could almost swear she was able to see a lone spotlight shining down on him from above, highlighting his obvious anguish. The whole scene was rapidly beating away at her patience, but before she let herself give in to the relief of beating the ever loving crap out of the two teenage boys responsible, she turned to face the manager once more.

"Uh, Mr. Kawaguchi? It might go better if you were a little more sincere," Kaname spoke with a scowl.

Coughing self-consciously, the manager sat up with a serious nod, crossing his arms over his chest. "Yes, of course. Come on Takanouchi, it's safe now." The chef sat up, rubbing his face with a grimace. Clapping him on the shoulder, the manager pushed up his glasses and sighed, "Well, why don't you take some time off to recover? Meanwhile…," he glared up at the two boys. "Clearly, you two cannot be trusted to behave when put together. Sagara, you will man the kitchen."

"What!?" both Tsubaki and Kaname exclaimed.

"That's a terrible idea! He'll set the kitchen on fire! He'll try to cook by tossing a grenade at the food!"

"Chidori, that's absurd. The danger posed by grenades is in the shrapnel, not an incendiary reaction like in those movies that you like so much."

"Shut! _Up!_" she yanked her wrench that he'd so thoughtfully brought out with him from his pocket and hit him over the head. "Now, Mr. Kawaguchi, are you sure? I'm a good cook, and Tsubaki works at another restaurant, so-."

"No. Back here, he is away from people, so he can't scare or hurt any of the patrons."

"His food might though," Kaname muttered.

"Never mind that. Now, our State Alchemists need to get to work and our mechanic needs to see to her automail, right?" Remembering the outfits they wore, both Kaname and Tsubaki grimaced at the reminder of what they had to do while working. Fixing her hair and picking the still somewhat wobbly Sousuke off the ground, she sighed softly as the manager took the injured and disturbed cook away, leaving the teenagers to their work. Perhaps unwisely having them unattended after the mess.

Dropping her face into her hands, Kaname rubbed at her temples in an effort to soothe away the stress before taking in a steeling breath and squaring her shoulders. "All right," she took a commanding tone that had Sousuke standing at attention and Tsubaki turning to look at her, well, attentively. "Tsubaki, if you could man the floor for a bit while I run Sergeant Screw-Up here through the basics of running a kitchen, that would be a lot of help. Can you do that?"

"Sure thing, Chidori!" he grinned, inwardly gloating to himself. Now was his chance to impress her, handling the customers by himself while things got settled back here and while Sagara was obviously not in good graces. He'd look even better in her eyes, surely, once he proved his merit.

Kaname nodded, turning as Tsubaki opened the door to exit the kitchen, "And don't forget to stay in character!"

"R-Right!" he'd almost forgotten, and he blushed slightly, his boosted spirits falling as she'd felt the need to remind of him of something, displaying, perhaps, a lack of confidence. Then again, she did seem to need to take charge in this situation, as the senior employee and, admittedly, probably the most mature of the three. Convincing himself that it was just her doing her job and making sure everything ran smoothly, he turned to leave again with bolstered courage, nearly smacking into the manager.

How a man of as small stature as the manager could seem so much larger than him boggled Tsubaki's mind as he stood there frozen in place. "Speaking of 'in character,'" Kawaguchi lifted up a pair of scissors and brought them up towards Tsubaki's head. "This is _not_ part of the costume." _Snip_. The boy's trademark headband fluttered to the ground like a feather in the summer air.

Eyes wide and mouth agape, Tsubaki slowly turned his head down, watching as the fabric alighted upon the tile. "It… can't be…," tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he squeezed them tightly shut and clenched a fist which he brought up at face level. Then, suddenly, he thrust his arms to his sides and tossed his head his back, letting loose a soul-torn roar of "My kiiiii-_!!_"

"Right, right. Get to work, Elric," the manager left without any sign of remorse.

Tsubaki bent down and retrieved the item, folding it up lovingly before putting it into his pocket. Trudging out to the floor, dejected and defeated, he was unaware of the piteous looks turned his way. Kaname spoke in a soft voice as the doors closed behind him, "Poor guy."

"Does he really believe energy is stored in an article of clothing?" Sousuke's voice indicated his pity was of the variety reserved for the clinically insane.

"Hey, are you sure you're Japanese? Don't you know anything of tradition?" turning to him, she smacked the back of her hand against his chest. "Never mind, don't answer that. No time anyways, I still have to show you the ropes."

Sousuke cocked his head to the side in confusion and curiosity, "Ropes, Chidori? I don't understand what we would need ropes for, and besides, I am already well-versed in their uses and many knots, as well as-_!_"

"Never mind! I don't want to hear about your kinks, you pervert!" she exclaimed a little more loudly than she'd intended, a blush staining her cheeks red as the idea of ropes, knots, and the still-present and niggling image of Sousuke's naked body all merged. Just who was really the pervert here, anyway? Sousuke's mouth opened to ask a question that never got to be asked, Kaname's hand coming up in a 'stop' gesture. "No! Anyways! It's an expression, dammit, stop taking everything so literally!"

"I see…," he frowned, looking at her with concern. "Chidori?"

Snappishly, "What?"

Frowning still, he reached out a hand to touch his wrist to her forehead. "Are you sure you're well? You're flushed and warm to the touch…"

"I…," her blush deepened at the contact, her mind still swimming in the gutter. Her body swaying into his touch did nothing to boost Sousuke's confidence in her health. Catching herself, her eyes snapped open and she reached back for the wind-up, lashing out and catching him on the back of the head with the wrench. "Watch who you're touching, you _pervert!!_" Kicking his prone form, she continued berating him, "I'm fine, you got that? Now stop asking me! Aren't these a healthy person's attacks? Shut up, shut up, _shut up!!_" she punctuated every shout with another kick.

When she had finally halted the onslaught, Sousuke laid still a moment to take stock of his situation before scrambling to his feet. "My apologies, Chidori. I believe that you are, as you say, quite healthy."

"Good! Now don't you dare doubt me anymore!" Clearing her throat and fixing her hair, she once again assumed a commanding stance and tone. "Now, enough messing around, we need to get to work! This!" she yanked a binder to set down in front of her, slamming it onto the counter. "This is the recipe book for the items on the menu. Study this! Use this! This book is your best friend! This book will save your life!"

"Chidori, that's a binder. And how could it be a fri-_!!_" being hit at the base of the skull with the binder did not to much to better his relationship with the object.

"You do _not_ talk back to your superior officer, got it!?"

"Un-understood! My apologies, ma'am!"

Setting the book back down, she gave him a tour of the workplace, pointing out where pots and pans, knives, utensils, ingredients, anything and everything he may have to use, she showed him where it was and gave explanations where needed. Before she left, she stuck her finger in his face as she looked at him seriously, "Now! You _do_ remember what a _pinch_ of salt is, right?"

Recalling the time he had grabbed a handful of salt instead, effectively ruining the meat she had been trying to teach him to cook, he nodded stiffly, "Affirmative. Just enough that I can grab between my thumb and fore-finger. Not a fistful."

"Good," satisfied that he would be able to hold his own, Kaname exited the kitchen with a sigh. Poor Tsubaki had been left to man the place all on his own, and the random intervals with which he came in to put in orders he looked increasingly more haggard and harried than the last. Going out into the main floor of the café, she stopped suddenly to see a gaggle of school girls crowding around Tsubaki, gleefully fawning over him and pawing at him, making high-pitched squeals as they prodded at him and, in general, turned the word 'fan-girl' into a _verb_.

Well, at least it was fairly in character for Winry to chase girls away from the older Elric brother. "Hey, cut it out!" she shouted, lifting her wrench menacingly. "We need to work, Ed! This is no time to get distracted by girls draping themselves all over you!" Well, in character to chase girls away by making them want to be away from _her_.

"Chi-Chidori! This isn't-_!_" he caught himself as Kaname gave him a meaningful look, and realized it was part of the act. Right, well, he could pull off gruff, "Ah, I mean, what're you blaming me for!? It's not like I asked these girls to get in my way!"

"Oh, sure, just blame everyone else why don't you? Get to work! You don't want your superior officer coming out here and yelling at you, do you?" The fan-girls were watching the exchange with starry eyes, and that was when Kaname realized that one of these fan-girls was actually a boy! An extremely effeminate boy who seemed to be perhaps the girliest of the bunch. And that was saying a lot! Turning to them, she pointed to a table that had drinks and belongings but no occupants that she assumed to be the group's seating, "And you! Stop getting in the way, you're making it hard to do our job! The more I have to babysit, the less chance I have to work on my machines!"

There was silence for a few moments, and then they burst out in gleeful remarks, "Ed and Winry, this is too perfect!" "Aw, they're so cute together!" "Kiss! Kiss! C'mon!" "Ah, they're such a cute couple!" "Winry's so adorable when she's upset!"

Tsubaki was lost in a daydream as he was reminded that his and Chidori's characters were supposed to be some sort of a couple, and he turned to her, about to say something about how they _were_ supposed to be in character, after all, when a burst of flame came from the open window to the kitchen behind the bar-style seating. A few moments later saw Sousuke peeking his head out of the door, some soot collected on his person and fire raging behind him. Seeing Roy Mustang in all of his fiery glory incited another burst of fan-girl-ism, screeches of joy and, almost unbelieving to Kaname's ears, what could only be described as _ecstasy_ coming from the mob. "Roy!" "We love you!" "I want to ride the Mustang!" "You're so _hot!!_"

"Sousuke! Put out the fire, you idiot!!" Kaname yelped, eyes wide as she stared at the flames.

"Yes, of course, I came out to ask where the fire extinguisher was located."

"On the wall next to the stove, where else would it be!? Hurry up!"

"Roger," he disappeared to extinguish the flames, then reappeared a few minutes later with the manager.

"That did not go as well as hoped," Kawaguchi spoke flatly, looking supremely unamused. "Tsubaki, you will take over the kitchen, obviously Sagara cannot be trusted." That was clearly all he felt needed to be said on the subject, and he started making his way around to the clientele, offering apologies and free drinks and dessert to the patrons to make up for the scare of a fire.

Disappointed in the lost opportunity, he slumped his shoulders and turned to get to work. Before Tsubaki could make his way to the kitchen though, he was stopped by a tug on his long red coat. He stopped, turning his head to look behind him, taken aback by the sight of the whole group of fan-girls looking at him expectantly as the fan-boy pulled Sagara over to him. "We need something first."

"It's a requirement."

"Definitely. A requirement."

"Everyone knows it had to happen at some point."

"Honestly, you only hate someone that much if you really like them."

"Definitely."

The two boys stood there in confusion, exchanging perplexed glances. Kaname watched the happenings, a feeling of dread crashing down on her. This could not be good. She was about to intervene again when the fan-boy exclaimed loudly, "Ed and Roy live action yaoi!"

While Sousuke was too oblivious to ever have learned, Kaname was also friends with the otaku Shinji and had become aware of just what that word meant. No. Oh no. Absolutely not. There had already been that one incident where the whole school thought Tsubaki and Sousuke were gay for each other. This could not happen. "No, no, no, no, _no!_ This is a cosplay café, not a place for your fetishes to be role-played! Please! Take your seats! You're causing a disturbance and making it difficult for us to tend to the rest of the customers! You are not the only ones here!" she didn't care if she was being rude, it needed to be said. Besides, she didn't want to feel again that sting of loneliness and regret she had felt when she had been among the group that thought Sousuke and Tsubaki had a thing for each other.

Standing there in confusion, Sousuke glanced over at Kaname's vehement reaction to the odd boy's words, wondering just what was being discussed. Tsubaki on the other hand had figured it out and gone pale, "No!"

"Aw, c'mon, you guys are so cute!"

"And the height difference!"

"That's right, that's right, it's great that you're so much shorter than him!"

"It's perfect!"

"Please?"

"No_!!_" Kaname and Tsubaki shouted simultaneously.

Tsubaki growled, not pleased in the slightest by the turn of events. Things had been looking so good a few moments ago, and now he was being told that he and Sagara should make-out to suit their bizarre fantasies!? And the 'short' comment, that was too much. He had always been all too aware of his small stature, it was part of the reason he trained himself so much to excel at martial arts. He did not appreciate having it shoved in his face how much shorter he was, especially when compared with that damned Sagara! "Don't call me short, either, I'm not that small, just a little below average, it's not that bad, so drop it, okay!?"

The fan-girls immediately began fawning over him for the outburst, not something he had been expecting. They squealed with delight, exclaiming how adorable he was, and trying to reassure him that he wasn't, in fact, all that short. It was then that he remembered it was in Ed's character to explode over any hint that he might be so much as a centimeter under the average height of a person, and he wondered if there was anything that these girls wouldn't explode in glee over. With a distressed shout, he turned and fled the mob, losing his red coat to the group's groping hands as he burst through the doors to the back room. Freedom, sanctuary, and, well, work. He did not mind work at all, especially not since it meant the former two.

Still out on the floor, Kaname buried her face into her hands once again, shaking her head emphatically. If this and the former day were any indication, this month was going to kill her from stress alone. Why did Sousuke have to be such a disaster? Sighing, she was at least slightly pleased when the group finally returned to their seating without any more prompting. They were sad that Ed had escaped, but they were excited about the souvenir they had ripped from his body, and chattered incessantly about their triumph. She was about to turn to ask Sousuke to take over a section of the café when someone cleared their throat meaningfully behind her. Turning, any hopes that had risen immediately dropped back down into a bottomless chasm as she saw the rude customer from the day before.

Smiling widely, if not with an obvious strain, she spoke sweetly, "Hi! How can I help you?"

"If you kids are done fooling around, it would be nice if I could get the tea I ordered several minutes ago."

"Of course, sir. I'm sorry, what kind of tea was it?"

Letting out a suffering sigh, that man did a wonderful job of looking every bit the entitled ass he proved himself to be time and time again. "Don't you have some kind of ordering system?"

"Yes sir, we write things down, but I wasn't the one that too-."

"Never mind, it will take forever if I sit here and listen to you explain," he interrupted in annoyance. Kaname felt her eye twitch as her temper mounted. She would have been done explaining sooner than he had finished his griping if he'd just let her talk. "I wanted the iced green tea, can you manage that?"

Oh, her smile was strained all right. Feeling a vein in her head throb, she responded with a tight voice and forcefully polite words, "Yes, of course sir! Right away, I'll be back quickly!" Purposefully going on a cheerful rant and taking up more time, she sauntered off, taking pleasure in the man's disgruntled expression. Getting to the drink station, she filled a glass with ice, reaching down to the mini-fridge and pulling out a pitcher of cold green tea. Sousuke came up behind her with a frown on his face, pulling out a few glasses that he filled from the soda machine.

"Are you all right, Chidori?"

"I swear, Sousuke, if you ask me that _one more time_," she growled, slamming the fridge shut with a kick.

"I meant that customer," he spoke quickly, in a rush to soothe her temper. "If you'd rather, I could take over serving him."

"Really?" she tried not to sound desperate, but the hope was strong in her voice at the thought of being free. "You'd do that for me?"

"Of course, Chidori." His serious voice and intense expression as he stared at her coupled with those words set her heart a-flutter. Starry-eyed and imagining her dashing knight on a white steed – a thought which she would later blame on the romance novels Kyouko made her read – she was lost in her fantasy world for only a short moment. "It is my mission, after all," her fantasy world cracked, "and that man seems very suspicious," and then it shattered.

Of course. She shouldn't have been surprised.

Heaving a deep sigh of suffering, she fluttered her hand dismissively, shoulders slumped. "Yeah, yeah," her disheartened voice confused him. His frown deepened as he wondered just what had changed from a few moments earlier when she had seemed so happy. "Where do these sodas go?" her tone was sharp now, and she turned her back to him as she took up the tray of soft drinks.

Staring at her, still wondering why she was angry, he mumbled "Table four." Why did it seem like he couldn't do anything right? Kaname marched off, leaving him to take the drink over to the grumpy man. Setting it down, he gave a stern look to the customer, "I'm certain that I warned you about your treatment of our waitress yesterday."

"And you're still rude I see. I don't like it when you serve me, I demand that the girl take my table again."

"Sir, perhaps you were not paying attention earlier, but here we do not cater to fetishes."

"No?" the man gave him a once over before looking at him in challenge. "Then why are you in such a ridiculous outfit?"

Sousuke twitched, understanding just why this man bothered Kaname so much. He dealt with many abrasive characters, particularly in thanks to his career. This man rubbed him the wrong way, ranking up there with even _Gauron_ on his list of people he despised. Gritting his teeth, he resisted the urge to pump the guy full of lead. Though the idea was excruciatingly tempting. Since he had finished his duty of delivering the drink, he spun on his heel in a tidy about-face and retreated before he could give in to the urge.

Several hours later found a lull in business as it approached close, and the hard-working teenagers were enjoying the reprieve. Well, Kaname and Tsubaki were anyways. The fan-girls had yet to leave, and they were pestering Sousuke once again. Shaking her head, Kaname wiped down a table, smiling gratefully when Tsubaki came over and took the bin full of dirty dishes she had set nearby to take back with her. He grinned widely, blushing as he turned around, basking in the radiant beams of her appreciative and approving smile. When he turned though, he stopped short, a startled noise coming out strangled from his throat and causing Kaname to look over her shoulder curiously.

Sousuke was climbing onto the bar, a frown deep-set on his already-severe face. The fan-girls were all too happy to give him a 'hand,' running their grubby paws all over him. Kaname clenched her fist around the rag, a growl threatening to come forth. Just who did they think they were, anyways!?

Now on the bar, Sousuke looked down apprehensively, his skin crawling with phantom touches. "Do I really have to do this?" he muttered in futility. He knew it was no good, the predatory stares answered far more than their words did. As they chattered at him, chiding him for questioning them, he sighed internally. If it weren't for the manager's orders he would have run off to hide somewhere. The man had been very clear however. They were supposed to be 'in character,' they were, to a point, entertainers. The girls were insisting that he reenact a scene from the series, and that was something he couldn't say 'no' to, no matter how much he wanted to.

"C'mon, it's not so bad!"

"Yeah, it's not like you have to put _too_ much inflection in your voice!"

"He says it in such a stoic military manner…," a dreamy sigh punctuated that statement and the way the girl's eyes fluttered as she glanced sidelong at him had sweat pouring down his face and he found himself looking frantically around for Kaname as he felt sure she would beat him for it, though he didn't know why.

"Yes, yes, it's an announcement!"

"Just say it a little loudly-."

"And with _conviction_!!"

That time he didn't hold in his sigh, and he hanged his head as he tried to steel himself for what he was about to do. Standing up on the bar, he rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously and took in a deep breath. He refused to look around, thinking he might just lose his nerve if he were to pay any kind of attention to the people around. He cleared his throat, sticking a finger into the collar of his jacket and pulling it open to allow cool air to rush onto his sweat-slickened skin and he took in one more steadying breath before releasing his hold. Striking the pose the girls had been _sure_ to show him over and over, with rather gratuitous touching as they so _graciously_ moved his body around until it was _just_ right, he shouted, "When I become Fuhrer, all female personnel in the military will have to wear tiny miniskirts!"

Kaname and Tsubaki stood frozen in place, expressions blank in total shock as they took in the scene. "Did he just…?"

"I think so…," Kaname sighed, dropping her head into her hands for what felt like the millionth time that day. The fan-boy took that moment to act like Havoc, hopping onto the counter and grabbing onto Sousuke's leg, rubbing his face all over the horrified soldier's thigh. Yelping, Kaname marched forward, angry on Sousuke's behalf for the mortification he was forced to endure, "All right, that's it, move away! Off that bar now! It _was_ clean, and it's not safe to be up there, so off, off, _off_!"

Sousuke hurriedly slipped off, grateful for the order. The look he gave her spoke volumes and she took in a calming breath, nodding to him. She shooed the fan-girls away, making a face as they only fluttered to a spot out of reach instead of returning to their table as she wanted. Stepping over to Sousuke, she reached up and straightened the collar of his jacket, which had become skewed when he'd let the air in. "Sorry you had to do that."

"It's all right. It was part of the mission, after all," she looked up at him as he said that, cocking an eyebrow. It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than he was trying to reassure her. Shaking his head and frowning, he shrugged and looked down at her, "It's not the worst thing I've ever suffered. Not even the most embarrassing. When I was in Russia, I-."

"Not right now, please," she tried not to sound annoyed, patting him comfortingly on the shoulder. He stiffened up at first when she interrupted him, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd held when she patted him, and he nodded in concession, a faint smile on his face. "Look, I have to get off the floor for a few minutes. Will you be okay here with just Tsubaki?"

"Affirmative. I believe we all may be too tired to cause any kind of trouble."

She giggled at that, nodding, "True enough. Okay. I'll be back as soon as possible," she called out to Tsubaki, letting him know as well that she was stepping off for a few before she disappeared, running off to take a much-needed bathroom break.

When their rival left, the fan-girls grinned deviously, splitting into two groups and going in for the kill. One group approached Sousuke, fawning over him, praising him for being so good-natured and going with their plan. They sat him down in one of the bar seats, pulling out handkerchiefs and wiping the sweat off his brow. Rather than comforting him, it rather disturbed him, and more sweat rolled down his face as he swallowed thickly. "Oh, don't worry, we're mostly done torturing you now."

"Mostly?"

Giggling, they nodded, giving each other meaningful looks. "Yeah, mostly."

"We still have one more thing though."

"It's a game."

"All you need to do is sit there calmly, okay?"

"Uhh," he looked around nervously, his fingers twitching as he wanted to reach for his gun, realizing they were surrounding him and blocking his view of the rest of the café.

"With a blindfold on," one of the girls said, producing a blindfold which he grudgingly allowed to be tied around his head and over his eyes.

Meanwhile, the other group had flocked to Tsubaki, surrounding him and blocking his view much as the other group had done to Sousuke. "We were asked a favor by Winry."

"That's right, that's right."

"Favor? Chidori?" he was confused, wondering why she would have asked these girls to do anything for her, especially with how much they seemed to annoy her.

"Yep!"

"She's shy, y'know. Didn't want anyone she knew to know about this."

Tsubaki tilted his head, trying to look around the girls and frowning as they continued to block his view. Sighing, he slumped his shoulders and resigned himself to playing along. "All right. What does this have to do with me?"

"Well…," they shared sly glances amongst themselves. "She wants a kiss from Ed!"

"K-Kiss!?" he started, his face beet red. A kiss? With Chidori? Could it be…?

Laughing, they patted his arm, "Yep, that's right!"

"Like we said though, she's shy."

"Very shy."

"A girl at heart, you know?"

"Yep, yep!"

"So…," they produced a blindfold, tying it over his face and blocking his view. "We're going to lead you back there to her, okay?"

"She's waiting for you!"

"Waiting…," Tsubaki was off in daydream, allowing himself to be tugged along by the girls while he fantasized. A rocky cliff overlooking the endless horizon of the ocean, sun setting, ocean spray that somehow magically made it as high as they were to cover them with a gentle mist, and then… and then…

"_Tsubaki…"_

"_Chidori…"_

"…_no. Issei…"_

"…_K-Kaname."_

"_You're the one that I…"_

"_Yes. …You too."_

"_I like you best."_

He was brought over to 'her,' and the fan-girls lent a helping hand as they pushed him forward to kiss his beloved Kaname. Sousuke's eyes shot open under the blindfold as he felt lips press against his and his body stiffened up. Oh this was not good. This was a problem. This was a _big_ problem. The fan-boy stealthily removed Tsubaki's blindfold as Sousuke tore his own off. He was trapped, Tsubaki's hands had lifted to rest on his shoulders, to steady 'her,' and to reassure 'her.' After all, 'she' was shy, wasn't she? Wasn't that what all this was about?

Panicking, Sousuke's eyes darted about as he tried to consider an escape that didn't involve hurting the other boy. Pictures were taken and there were many gleeful and dreamy sighs and squealing as the fans gathered a collection of prime blackmail material. Just then Kaname returned and she stopped short at the sight, her jaw dropping. "Wh-What… WHAT IS THIS!?"

Hearing Kaname yell confused Tsubaki and he drew back slowly, his eyes blinking open. When he came face-to-face with a highly distressed Sagara he could feel his own panic mounting. "S-S-SAGARA!?" he jumped back, wiping at his mouth and pointing an accusing finger at him. "I-I'll get you for this! Taking my first kiss like that…Guh… I….," he screamed as he realized what he'd just admitted and ran for the back room. Not wearing his glasses, and his vision blurred even more by tears of shame, he ran right into the doorframe instead of through the doors, falling over unconscious.

Sousuke stayed frozen, staring off into the distance muttering in a dead voice, "This is a problem. A very big problem. Definitely a problem."

Kaname shook with rage, and a glance at the clock told her they were now closed. "All right, that's it! Pay up and get out, we are closed for the evening, thank you _very much_ for your patronage!" her voice as she glowered at the fan…fan-_things_ said she was anything but grateful for having them there.

Since they had gotten everything they could want, the giggling gaggle of girls paid their check and left, followed by the few remaining patrons who Kaname assured could take their time once that unwanted crowd had left. Forcing Sousuke to help, the two dragged Tsubaki over to a booth, laying him out so he would be out of the way while they closed up shop. They started cleaning up the place, wiping down tables and gathering up the dishes. Looking over at him, Kaname stepped over, resting a hand on his arm. "Are you all right? This day has been kind of hard on you, huh?" Let it never be said that Chidori Kaname was insensitive.

Nodding to her, he relaxed under her touch, "Affirmative. As I stated earlier, I have suffered much worse in my life."

Chewing on her lip thoughtfully, she nodded slowly. Remembering earlier, she glanced up shyly and in a hesitant voice she asked, "Do you… Do you want to talk about it?"

Surprised, he stared at her for several long moments, considering. Earlier she hadn't wanted to hear it, but he glanced around and realized that save for an unconscious Tsubaki, they were now alone. That made for a better environment to talk about his past in than having a bunch of screaming girls around. Clearing his throat, he nodded stiffly, "If you want to hear it."

"It… Yeah. I wouldn't mind… understanding you a bit better," she looked away, a small blush on her cheeks.

Taking in a deep breath, Sousuke nodded. "Well… When I was in Russia, I was training to be an…," frowning, the next word came out strained as he was unsure of how she might take it, "assassin." She looked up quickly, unaware that he had ever been trained as such. She thought he had always been a _soldier_. He forced himself to continue on, "Well. I was training alongside many other children like me. Orphans, the forgotten, kids with no where to go and no one to care about what had happened to them. There, I was the smallest. A Japanese kid surrounded by the naturally larger-built Russians. And I was one of the youngest, too. Only five or six."

Kaname sucked in a sharp breath, shaking her head. So young… it wasn't right. It did explain a lot though, more than she ever realized. "Because I was the smallest I was picked on the most. I was often singled out where others weren't, forced to improve on things that I even had down better than others, simply because of my size. There were many incidents where I was made to do things such as run naked in the rain and mud. To toughen up my 'frail' body, as I was told. It wasn't as simple as that either, they had no problems with the other boys jeering at me, taunting me, and picking on me. I got into many fights."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, staring down at a table that she had to wipe off several times as tears dripped onto it.

Shrugging, Sousuke continued on matter-of-factly, "It's not so big of a deal. Because of it, I've survived this long. It's possible I may not have if they had not been so rough."

"To look at it like that… It's very sad, Sousuke."

"Why?" he looked over, confused.

Bending her head, she shook it slightly. "No one should ever have to go through that."

"It's a matter of perspective. To me, it was all I knew of life. I couldn't miss what I didn't know. I couldn't have known that there was better out there. I did what I had to do to keep on living. It's only recently that I learned there's anything else but fighting out there." It was his turn to bend his head, thoughtfully, and he cocked it to the side, looking over at her thoughtfully as she turned sorrowful eyes up to him. "It wasn't until I met you."

She blinked slowly, tears sticking to her eyelashes as the realization of what he said washed over her. Smiling faintly, she reached out hesitantly, at the last moment dropping her hand to rest on his upper-arm instead of his face, where she'd been reaching for. Nodding, she forced her smile to be wider and brighter, the blush returning once again, "Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me? It's me who should be thanking you, Chidori."

Shrugging, she glanced away coyly before looking back up, "No. Never mind. Anyway. Thank you. And for sharing a difficult memory. Thank you."

"It's not so difficult," he breathed out.

"Sagara!" the manager shouted, startling the two teenagers and causing them to leap apart as though they'd been caught making out by their parents or some such.

"S-Sir!"

"I need you to do the kitchen prep for tomorrow since Tsubaki is out. There's no cooking involved, so you better not set anything on fire!"

"Yessir!" Sousuke turned a regretful look to Kaname, sorry for having their moment interrupted, before running off for the kitchen. The manager helped him out, showing him once or twice each thing that needed to be done and walking him through the cleaning and closing down of the kitchen.

Kaname set to work determinedly, biting her cheek for the first while as she scrubbed counters down with a vengeance. She couldn't get her mind off everything that Sousuke had shared with her, in shock that he had been forced to live such a life from a young age. And she couldn't help but wonder which category he fell under, the 'orphaned' or the 'unwanted.' Were there parents out there of his, who didn't seem to care? Or maybe they did and were looking for him? Or had some tragedy befallen his family and he was left alone and was picked up by those people? The small amount he had shared opened up so many questions to her, and in a lot of ways she started to feel guilty about the way she treated him. But then, he _had_ thanked her, hadn't he?

Sighing and blowing hair out of her face, she straightened up and stretched, looking around the now-clean café, chairs set upon tables, the tables pushed to the side and floor nice and clean. Nodding in satisfaction at a job well down, she planted her hands on her hips, wondering how much longer Sousuke and Kawaguchi were going to be. She still had homework to do!

As she thought that, Sousuke came out, and she looked over at him, her arms dropping in shock. His cheeks where mottled red and stained with tears. She rushed over to him in concern, wondering if he had been putting up a tough front earlier so as not to worry her. "S-Sousuke? A-Are you all right!?"

He nodded, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. One strained word fell from his lips, "Onions," and completely ruined the mood.

Kaname began a pratfall, completely taken aback by his response, and then regained her balance. Angered by the way he had her going, she shouted back at him, "Dammit, Sousuke, don't worry me like that!!"

Before he could say anything in response, the manager came out, handing over a DVD and a pair of boot-shaped mugs. Kaname turned one over in her hands quizzically as Sousuke took hold of the rest. Eyeing it suspiciously, she looked over at Kawaguchi, "You know we aren't old enough to drink, right?"

"Of course. Now, please, take Tsubaki and get home and rest up. And if you can get some friends to help out tomorrow, that would be excellent. We'll be trying out some new recipes, and business has been increasing since we turned into a cosplay café."

"New recipes?" Kaname decided not to touch the comment about increased business, as in her mind it was a lot of _unwanted_ business. She shook in rage just remembering the fan-things from earlier.

Nodding, "Yes. I think we'll try some… Italian, tomorrow." He spun on his heel and returned to his office, ending the discussion there.

Sousuke and Kaname turned to look at each other as they wondered at the mysterious way he had decided to announce it. From the booth where Tsubaki lay drifted up one dreamy word, "Pastaaaa."


	4. Axis of Our Power

_Author's Note: _We're back! We apologize for this insanely long hiatus. This chapter was done over a year ago, but things have been insane! Unfortunately I can't give any good news like 'The next several chapters are done too' but we're working, we're working! Promise! As usual, follow links in profile for arts! Enjoy!

* * *

"Why do _I_ have to be involved in this?" Mizuki whined, sounding like a child complaining about needing to do chores. Kyouko laughed nervously and Ren smiled knowingly as they both turned to look at Kaname, awaiting the fight that was sure to start. They hung back, walking behind the warring girls as the group headed for the café.

"Because my manager said to recruit help and I, being the generous person that I am, thought to give my _friends_ the chance to earn some money," she spoke in a tone that indicated Mizuki should be much more grateful.

Snorting and turning to Kaname, Mizuki changed her pose of misery to one of arrogant surety. Hands on hips and wearing a cocky smile, she spoke up in a haughty voice, "Well, maybe for poor people like you that would be necessary. But _I_ get everything I want from daddy."

Kaname twitched in anger with every word out of the other girl's mouth. At the end of her self-glorifying rant, Kaname took a few moments to calm, a predatory smirk crossing her features. "Well, then you _really_ should be thanking me. If you don't learn how to work like us _poor_ people do, then in five years the only way you'll know to earn money will be on your back."

Stuttering, Mizuki tripped over her words while Ren and Kyouko looked on in shock. Even for Kaname, that was going a bit far. Growling, Mizuki 'hmph'ed and crossed her arms over her chest. Glancing sidelong at Kaname she jeered, "At least I've _had_ boyfriends. Unlike you, people actually _want_ to date me."

"If that's the case, then why did Shirai Satoru go after Chidori while he was still with you?" Sousuke, who had been forgotten as he walked in front of the group, asked in a tone so full of genuine curiosity that it hurt more than it would have if he had meant it maliciously. Kaname turned to him with a smile of approval, appreciating the save. Mizuki stopped dead in her tracks, staring at him, mouth agape and tears building in her eyes.

"That was harsh Sagara," Kyouko whispered as Ren patted Mizuki comfortingly on the shoulder.

Turning and seeing the tears, Kaname switched from approval to anger in point-oh-one seconds, spinning on her heel and shoving an accusatory finger in his face. "Sousuke! It's not right to make a girl cry!"

"Uhh…"

"What do you have to say for yourself, mister!"

"Uhh…," he looked around, confused. He had no idea just what it was he had done wrong, or why Inaba was crying. "I don't understand…"

"What's not to understand!" she screamed. Swinging her arm out dramatically, she pointed to the sobbing girl as she ranted on. "You made her cry! You know how she took the situation with Shirai!"

They weren't even at the café yet, and already he was being screamed at. It was not looking to be a good day. "I was just asking a question, it wasn't my intention to bring Inaba to tears. I just did not understand why she would say such things when that had happened."

"Oh, forget it. You don't get it, you just don't get girls. "C'mon," she turned to the others, "let's go." They each shot Sousuke dirty looks as they passed him, well, Ren just looked at him apologetically, seeming to be the only one to understand that he hadn't meant anything by it. Not looking forward to the rest of the day, he trudged along behind the girls. If nothing else, at least it was easier to do his bodyguard job when he wasn't engaged in conversation. Yes, that was it. Optimism. He was always being told to look on the bright side of things, right?

Perhaps he would have felt better thinking like that if anything actually happened. It was hard to feel productive when the only results he got were Kaname's scorn or sadness or disapproval. Well, no matter. As long as she was safe.

He sighed with relief when they arrived at the café, feeling even better when it seemed they had moved on. Chidori had one thing right for sure. He really did _not _understand girls. Though, he did now understand why other boys complained about not getting them. He was beginning to think they really were a species all to their own with the way they changed their minds at the drop of a hat with no kind warning. It also now made sense as to why Kurz liked to compare Mao to a nuclear warhead when overly annoyed.

Once finally in the relative safety of the locker room, Manager Kawaguchi made his entrance, new costumes in hand with a devious look on his face. "All right, the others have changed so now I'm going to hand out the remaining costumes at random!"

"Why…?" "Others…?"

"Because it makes thing more interesting!" the manager responded as Tsubaki, Ono-D, and Shinji entered as if on cue to answer the other question.

Blinking in confusion, the two groups, minus Tsubaki, looked at each other quizzically. "What're you guys doing here?" Kaname asked, hands on hips.

"Oh, you know my nephew, Chidori?" Kawaguchi motioned to Shinji as he spoke.

"Chidori and the others are all classmates," the boy answered, adjusting his glasses.

The manager nodded, turning back to the un-costumed group. "Very well. Now. We need to get ready for the day. Chidori," he held out a garment bag for her, and she walked up to take it. "Sagara," he followed suit, accepting the gear with his military precision. Realizing he didn't know the other girls' names, he held out the next set, "You, with the hair."

"With the… hair?" the girls looked between each other, and Kyouko pointed at her nose to indicate herself, blinking wide eyes.

"Yes, you," Manager Kawaguchi affirmed, satisfied when she took her offered garment bag and joined Sousuke and Kaname. Mizuki snickered at the way Kyouko had been referred to, and when the manager turned his attention back, she smiled, fluffing her hair before folding her hands on her hips. "Annoying one," he held out one to Mizuki, the girl now looking flabbergasted.

"Wh-Annoying! Me!" she shrieked in a voice so irritating that the others started laughing at how well she proved it. Growling, she stomped forward, taking her costume in a huff, standing apart from the others.

"Now," looking at Ren he shook his head. Stepping forward with a cordial smile, he bowed politely to her. "What might you be called, young miss?"

Returning the bow, in her usually friendly voice she replied as though everything were as normal. "My name is Mikihara Ren, sir."

"Excellent. Then, Miss Mikihara, here is your uniform for the day. Please let me know if you find it unsuitable. Oh, and I am Kawaguchi Hiroshi, the manager and owner of this café."

"I look forward to working for you sir," Ren spoke, serene as always.

Standing off to the side, the others were watching s though it were all very, very wrong. Kaname was shaking her head, one hand massaging at her temple as she muttered. Saying their overly polite farewells, the manager left the teens to it. Having finished with all the prep work, the boys who were already changed decided to hang about and see who got what costume. Tsubaki was already dressed like China, Ono-D was proudly wearing America's bomber jacket, and Shinji looked all-too-happy to be in Italy's military attire.

Sousuke and Ren each set their garment bags to hook over open lockers as they carefully opened them up while the other three threw ceremony to the wind and tore into theirs. Kaname yelped when she pulled out Russia's scarf, shaking her head. "I have to be guy! A _large_ guy!"

Mizuki cackled until she opened hers to find France's attire, "Why do I have to be the guy everybody hates!"

Grinning, Kaname shrugged. "Seems appropriate. And hey," holding up the large jacket, she looked at it happily as she changed her opinion of the role she had. "Everyone fears me and Russia, right!" laughing evilly, she reveled in the dirty looks Mizuki sent her way. "What about you, Kyouko?" she looked over to her best friend curiously.

Kyouko was staring into her bag, blushing fiercely and shaking her head. "No, no, I can't do it, I can't, I can't! How can I!"

Peeking into the bag, Kaname and Mizuki both gasped. "Ukraine! The girl wanted for her _huge_ tits?"

Ono-D catcalled at Kaname's language, earning him a dirty look from every female in the room. Even Ren's expression was disapproving enough to make him feel guilty, and he hid behind Shinji while mumbling an apology. "How can we get this to work?" Mizuki asked as she felt jealousy rise up. Why couldn't _she _be the big-chested attractive one?

"I guess we'll have to stuff her bra."

"But with _what_?"

"Water balloons?" Ono-D piped up oh-so-helpfully.

"They'd pop, idiot!"

"Guys don't know anything!"

"It wouldn't be wise for you to try to help with this, Onodera."

"Wow, for once Sagara's talking sense."

"Oh, give it up already Mizuki. Now, I guess we could try using balloons filled with pudding. At least the consistency would be closer to the real thing."

"But Kana, I-I'm not sure I can even do this!"

"It'll be fine, Kyouko. We can just have you work behind the bar or something. That way you won't have to move around too much."

Shuffling nervously, Kyouko nodded slowly, "A-All right, I guess…"

"That's the spirit!" Kaname clapped her friend's shoulder before turning to the last girl. "O-Ren, which character did you get?"

Ren smiled, turning to the others and showing off a blue aristocratic suit with a white ruffled shirt. "I believe I got Austria."

"That works well for you! He's so sophisticated." Ren nodded in agreement, looking pleased with her character. Kaname turned to Sousuke, trying to peek around him to see. "And you, Sousuke?"

He was staring into his garment bag with a frown, a look of absolute terror on his face. Kaname repeated his name cautiously, then stepped around him to look over and see what he got. Her own face went pale, her jaw dropped, and as a realization hit her she turned bright red. Oh, hell no. Spinning quickly, she looked around for Tsubaki, whimpering when she realized the guys must have left when it became apparent that there wouldn't be any kind of fun.

"Okay, I need to run to the store, I'll be right back!" she announced loudly before dashing out the door. Everyone looked after her, wondering at her bizarre behavior. It made no sense to anyone, but they _were_ accustomed to the Student Council Vice President's quirks, and it didn't take them long to go on as normal. Tsubaki slipped in just then, delivering the impromptu breast implants and then ran back to the kitchen in order to escape any kind of awkward girl talk.

Still unfamiliar with the concept of modesty, Sousuke unclasped his jacket's collar, deftly removing the article of clothing before the girls even realized what was happening. It wasn't long after the top button of his dress shirt was undone that shrieks filled the locker room. They retreated behind a row of lockers, leaving the guy wondering just why everyone freaked out whenever he was changing.

In safety, the girls clustered together, even Ren's face a little pink. "Sagara, _why_ are you getting naked?" Kyouko asked timidly.

"How else am I supposed to change outfits?"

"You could wait until we're out, or you could go behind the curtain!" Mizuki shouted indignantly before turning to the girls and giggling silently, then sneaking a peek around the lockers.

He was adjusting the clasp of his mantle, shaking his head. "I don't understand what the problem is."

Ren smiled, though he couldn't see her, and shook her head softly. "Sagara, it's simply not how things are done here. Men and women change separate."

"Why? We all take the same anatomy courses, it's not as though there is any kind of surprise." It was an odd combination of cute and sad, how he did not quite understand.

Mizuki pulled back and shrugged, shaking her head. Ren lifted a hand to cover her mouth as she laughed silently at the bold girl's action. Clearing her throat quietly, she regained her composure to answer the clueless boy. "I know, Sagara, and you make sense. But it's just not done."

"That's right, Sagara. Remember when you burst into the girls' softball room your first day of school? Guys and girls just _don't_ change in front of each other!" Kyouko finished up.

Sighing, Sousuke leaned against a locker, feeling a headache coming on. It made life difficult that everything contradicted each other between his two lives. Explaining that he often changed in front of women, including Mao, and vice-versa seemed pointless just then. Better to just accept it and work around the inconvenience.

Since Kyouko was going to have more issues, she was rummaging through her garment bag and contemplating the pudding-filled water balloons while the other girls changed behind the two available curtains. Sousuke was still considering the complexities between military and civilian lifestyles, wishing Kaname were there to explain exactly why things were the way they were. She had a way with words – and harisen, wrench, shoe, any blunt object really – that helped him understand things no one else could get through to him.

Mizuki and Ren left for the floor to be shown around and familiarized before serving customers, not considering that the other girl might have difficulties. Kyouko's anxious voice floating out from over the curtain broke Sousuke out of his reverie. Lifting his head, he glanced around, poking his head to the other side of the lockers before answering, "It seems like the others left, Tokiwa. Is there something you needed?"

In the changing room, Kyouko shuffled nervously, pulling at her partly unbuttoned shirt. Well, no helping it now, and Sousuke _was_ clueless, even about the allures of the female body. Given the earlier conversation, he wasn't likely to get any funny ideas. Drawing in a deep breath, she replied, "Yeah, actually. Could you help me with this?"

"Affirmative," he walked over to where she had pulled the curtain aside, slipping in when she ushered him on. She didn't want any of the other guys walking in with her shirt unbuttoned so that she could stuff her bra. Sagara was bad enough, especially as he was Kana's territory! "So what did you need help with?"

"Oh, ah," she glanced away shyly, holding up one of the bra-stuffers. "I'm having a hard time getting these to work. Can you help?"

"I'll try," taking hold of it, he frowned at the texture. Realizing exactly what he was about to help her with, he had to steel himself for a moment before proceeding. Making sure to obstruct his view and to ask her to give him direction, he asked her to pull open a cup so he could try to slip it in.

Kaname chose just that moment to return, entering the locker room well aware of the only two not yet on the floor, and the first thing she heard made her stiffen in shock. "Sagara, I don't think it will fit."

Shock, anger, betrayal, hurt, and a whole myriad of similar but unnamed emotion spiraled through her.

"I'm sure it will, stretch it wider."

"Sa-Sagara, I don't think I can, the tearing…"

Kaname was still completely frozen, falling weakly against the door behind her, knees beginning to give way. She felt so stupid just then, wondering how the two people closest to her could hide such a thing. How had she never noticed? And she _knew_ Kyouko was aware of her feelings for Sousuke. And as dense as Sousuke was, how could he do this with _Kyouko_? And at _work_?

And why not _her_?

"The rubber is kind of uncomfortable…"

"Stop squirming, please. You're making it difficult to get in."

"But Sagara, it's just too tight."

"Relax. It might tear and leak."

"N-Now I'm nervous. Maybe we shouldn't…"

Oh, that was _**IT**__!_

Brimming with rage and newfound energy, she pushed away from the door and dashed over to the changing booths. Ripping aside the curtain she screamed at the top of her lungs, "_How could you betray me like this!_"

One pudding-filled balloon had successfully made its way into Kyouko's bra, the other was being held by Sousuke as they both turned to Kaname and her over-the-top entrance. "Betray, Chidori?"

"What's wrong, Kana?"

Turning bright red at her blunder, realizing Sousuke had just been helping her friend and not any of the depraved things she had imagined, Kaname stuttered, at a loss for words. The other teens all burst in to check up on her, having only heard screaming and not the actual words. "Chidori! Are you all right!" Tsubaki shouted in concern.

"I'm fine!" her voice was a bit unnatural, but her expression dared anyone to challenge it.

Confused, but not willing to confront her, Sousuke just decided to ask the next question top-most on everyone's minds just then. "Roger. But, where did you go, Chidori? You left so suddenly."

Looking like a deer in headlights, she was not looking forward to announcing it in front of everyone. "Oh, ah, that, uhm," holding out a shopping bag to him, she glanced away, embarrassed, "put these on."

He reached out to take the bag, everyone watching intently as he pulled out the contents to reveal a pair of underwear. "Durable sport support boxer shorts, Chidori?"

"I wasn't paying attention you idiot, I just don't want you dangling all over the place when you're wearing a gladiator's skirt!"

"Ka-Kana!" "Oh my…" "D-Dangling!" "How do you…?" "Not again!"

It was the most epic 'facepalm' in history, Kaname wasn't sure she would ever have the courage to pull her hands away and face the word again. Right then, all she wanted was to be able to curl up under a rock and stay there. "I see. But…"

"Just shut up," her voice was muffled by her hands, but it was never difficult to understand those so commonly uttered words. "It's for the public, Sousuke. No one wants to see that. Clothes are made for hiding that, it kind of defeats the purpose otherwise." She had pulled the heels of her palms away enough so that her voice carried clearly for the lecture.

He sighed, looking distastefully at the underwear. Such garments were a luxury growing up, and he felt no need to start wearing them since gaining the opportunity. It was just an unnecessary addition to his wardrobe and they were uncomfortable to boot. Kyouko scurried out of the changing room, cowering behind Kaname who finally uncovered her face to close the curtain as violently as she had opened it, then took Kyouko into the second stall to fix her bra stuffing after telling everyone else to quit gawking and get back to work.

Once left alone behind the curtain, the sound of the door closing behind the retreating group and the metal screech of curtain rungs sliding along the bar while Kaname closed her and Kyouko off from vying eyes, Sousuke sighed quietly at his predicament. He took the boxers out of their plastic bag, grimacing at the idea of just how uncomfortably tight the garment was like to be. As he fought with the unwanted article of clothing, a little bit of his underactive imagination conjured forth a laughing Kurz in a war-torn field, cackling as he announced 'Battle of the Bulge!' Finally managing to get them on, his breathing was labored as the fabric all but constricted the muscles in his hips, not to mention everything else they encased. While trying to loosen them up, his back arched as he attempted to pull at the fabric, both trying to leave them on but to remove them as well. "Uh, Ch-Chidori…?"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Are these supposed to, ah, hug, uh, so tightly?"

There was a long moment of silence before Kaname responded blandly, "Just shut up and get to work."

"Yes ma'am."

Sousuke left the changing room, poking his head out the door to survey the café before stepping out, and he was glad he did. Noticing the same customer that had been harassing Kaname the past couple of days, he retreated to the locker room to retrieve a duffel bag he had prepared for dealing with the irritable man. Disappearing out the back door with one of the café's extra chairs, he set to work with his plan to rid the café of the threatening man once and for all.

About thirty minutes had passed since Sousuke had disappeared, and to Kaname's frustration, no one had seen just where the boy had gone to. As Kaname finished setting down an order for a nice young couple, a loud blast was heard from the back of the restaurant. It took only moments for Tsubaki to peek his head through the window to the kitchen before yelling over to Kaname that Sousuke was causing trouble again. With a deep sigh, her shoulders slumped as she excused herself from the front to go and investigate just why something had blown up this time.

Upon opening the back door, she had to pull up the scarf around her neck to help protect her lungs from the billowing black smoke that now filled the small alley behind the restaurant. Waving her hand to dispel the toxic fog, she coughed as she bravely ventured out, "So-," _cough_, "Sousuke? What the hell are you doing back he-," _cough_, "here!"

"Chidori, you should head back inside where it's safe. Smoke inhalation can cause numerous-"

_WHACK!_

"What in the hell are you doing blowing stuff up, Sousuke! If I've told you once, I've told you a million times! NO EXPLOSIONS!"

He lay on the ground for a moment before rising up all at once to rub at the back of his head, "That hurts you know."

"That's the point! What the hell is this!"

"Ah, it seems my weapons dealer sent me instructions in French again and something went wrong in set-up. No worries, it's figured out now and there will be no further explosions."

"What's figured out!"

"Uhh," he glanced down at the chair he was in the process of booby-trapping, grateful that it was taken apart at the moment so that she might not recognize just what it was. "Just some security measures, Chidori, nothing dangerous."

Glaring down at him, she didn't trust his definition of 'not dangerous,' and she said so, hands on hips as he frowned down at his construction. "Ugh, never mind, there's no time for this. Hurry up and get out there, dammit."

"Roger, it won't take me long to clean this up."

"Good!" she stalked off, returning to the front of the cafe with a scowl on her face. Sighing with relief, Sousuke returned to finish up the task quickly. Once satisfied with the result, he looked down at his creation proudly. The night before during their 'research' session, there had been a rather diabolical chair which had given him inspiration. Yes, this 'Busby's Chair' was a rather ingenious device, really, and he was almost ashamed he hadn't thought of it first.

Some time had passed and Kaname was beginning to wonder if Sousuke was ever going to return when a quick glance to the register told her that he already had. Taking pause as she set a plate down in front of a customer, she watched him for a moment curiously, wondering just when it was he had snuck back in. Shaking her head to herself, she turned a smile on the customer and made sure the table did not need anything else before making her way over to the soldier, more than a little skeptical about what he had taken his sweet time for.

"Good to see you doing your job," she uttered the words sarcastically, hand on hip as she glared at him.

Turning from the counter, he nodded to her, "Yes. My apologies. I had my other work to attend to first."

"What other work? Idiot." Looking around, he frowned, not wanting to say it with so many people in attendance, and so instead he leveled his gaze on her, brow raised slightly as though she should know the answer. Fidgeting under his gaze, Kaname narrowed her eyes at him, not appreciating the way he seemed to be trying to make her feel guilty. "What the hell does any of that have to do with this, moron, nobody's trying to hurt me here!"

Casting a surreptitious glance at the table where the rather annoying customer was seated, Kaname followed the expression and scowled. He turned back to her and nodded, his expression serious as always, "I've reason to believe he may be. He continuously gives you a difficult time and seems unperturbed by my words of caution."

"Huh," she looked thoughtfully at the currently unoccupied table, mulling his words over before the last three caught her attention. She looked at him suspiciously, lifting a finger to jab at his chest in an accusatory gesture, "Just what do you mean by 'words of caution' anyways? You damn well better not have pulled a gun on him, soldier, or so help me-!"

Sweating, Sousuke took a step back, about to stammer a reply when the man in question appeared behind Kaname, clearing his throat. Snapping a 'what,' she whirled to face him, taken aback when she noticed who it was. She tried to mumble out an apology but the man just glared at her and waved his hand to dismiss whatever she had to say, "I need a new chair. The one I have is horribly uncomfortable. I have a poor back, just what do you think you're doing, forcing customers to sit in those death traps."

Kaname put on a strained smile and nodded, her voice sickly sweet as she thought murderous thoughts of the man, "Yes, sir, of course, one new chair coming right up." Oblivious to Sousuke's horrified 'deer in headlights' look, she stalked off, finding a new chair with more cushioning to it in order to replace the one he had been sat at before.

The man watched her walk off for a moment, slowly turning a smirk on Sousuke who had recovered enough to look at him calculatingly. "It would appear you've no trust in me."

Not one to show weakness to an enemy, Sousuke met his gaze with a hardened one of his own, "You've given me nothing but reason to feel you've bad intentions. You are constantly badgering our VIP, you are unaffected by my threats, and now this. Only a pro would recognize my trap, it was constructed perfectly."

"Yes, perhaps, but I was able to recognize it wasn't the chair I'd had before. You best not mess with me Sagara," he turned and thanked Kaname who returned stating the chair had been replaced, and he walked off, leaving Sousuke wondering how the man knew his name.

Kaname looked after him curiously, shrugging, "Well, sure, now he seems pleasant enough. What a weirdo. That chair couldn't possibly have been uncomfortable, I mean, come on, all our chairs are the same." Sighing, her eye twitched as she realized Sousuke hadn't paid attention to a single word she said, his eyes still fixated on the customer as he tried to puzzle the man out. Raising her palms to face the ceiling, she shook her head and let out an exasperated puff of air, "Whatever, I don't get you freaks." She turned away from him, eying the chair she had taken away. Folding her hands on her hips, she shook her head, and after glancing around to take stock of the situation on the floor, she nodded and walked over to it, "I bet it's perfectly comfy."

Barely catching what she had said, Sousuke slowly turned to look at her, his heart stopping when he saw her about to sit down, "Chidori, no-!"

_**BWOOM!**_

A loud explosion sounded from where the seemingly innocent furniture had been placed, and once the smoke cleared Sousuke was visible, lying prone in a pile of splinters, pleather, and fluff. A small amount of residual smoke drifted up from the tips of his hair as he reluctantly met the seething gaze of the young woman tapping her foot furiously in front of him, clearly unhappy about being so rudely shoved away and the blast set off right in the lobby. "Uh, Chidori…I-."

_**WHACK!**_

Anger still burning in her eyes, she merely tucked away the harisen once it had served its purpose, taking a deep calming breath before addressing the accident magnet. "Just clean this up, and get back to work Sergeant Sabotage. Now!" Jumping to his feet, he snapped a sharp salute quickly as his nerves clicked, reminding him that in this setting Chidori was judge, jury and executioner.

He would just have to be more covert in any further operations dealing with the irritating customer. "Yes ma'am! Right away ma'am!" By that point he was a master of cleaning debris, and he had the mess removed in record time.

Watching Sousuke with a hawk-eyed glare, she was edgy when Ren approached her serenely, not wanting to take her eye off him for even a moment, "What's up, Ren?"

"There's a table in the back corner requesting that you serve them," smiling, she nodded when Kaname thanked her and bowed off to continue taking care of customers.

Shaking her head, softly, she shot one more warning glance at Sousuke, pleased when he twitched despite the fact that his back was turned to her. If only she could master the death glare, all would be well. There were times his finely honed senses were a benefit to her, and the fact that he could sense killing intent was working quite in her favor at that time, making it all too clear just what she thought at that moment. Adjusting the scarf to let cool air hit her neck, she put on a pleasant smile, thinking that the table requesting may have been regulars who remembered her. Walking over to the back corner, it took everything she had not to freeze in her steps when she saw who was waiting for her.

Sitting at the rounded table so that they were all facing the rest of the lobby were the four fans from the previous day. One of them set her hand down on the table and stood up, waving excitedly, "Hi Russia!" she shouted in an obnoxious voice.

Cringing and looking around self-consciously as some of the customers turned at the outburst, Kaname reluctantly rushed over so there would be no need for screaming. "Hi there," her smile was strained as she pulled out a notepad for taking orders. "Please keep it down, I'd hate to have to hurt you," it was in character, well, sort of. Russia wouldn't hate hurting anyone, and, really, at that point, neither would she, but she did have to be a good waitress too.

Giggling, another one piped up, "Oh, Russia, you're so adorable when you're threatening people."

"Adorable... Right," she could feel her eye twitching as her patience dwindled so low the reservoir was ready to crack from dryness.

"So, you've got an Italy?" the fan boy peered around Kaname as he drawled suggestively, waggling his eyebrows in Shinji's direction.

"Uhm, yes?" she looked over her shoulder at the boy in question, turning back to them curiously as the young man licked his hand and then threaded it through his hair, slicking back his bangs to mimic Germany's hairstyle.

Kaname repressed a gag at the sight, turning full attention to the notebook in hand, "Ok, uhm, ew, gross. Please let me take your order now," she all but begged them to allow her escape. They rattled off what they wanted and she turned, nearly running away from the table as she made her way to the waiter station.

"How would you like cooked your steak?"

Sadly, it didn't seem she was allowed to actually do her job that day, all the interruptions from working with a bunch of incompetents was keeping her from her tasks. Hearing the butchered English coming from Ono-D, she stopped dead in her tracks, slowly turning her head to look at his cheerful expression. Clenching her fists, she marched over to him, growling in anger, "Ono-D! What the hell do you think you're doing we don't even serve steak you moron!" she shouted without taking a breath.

Taken aback at the ferocity directed towards him, Ono-D rubbed the back of his neck and laughed sheepishly, "Well, just trying to stay in character, but that's all the English I know."

"Why in the hell do you know _that_ of all things!"

Feeling cheered at the prospect of talking about his interests, he leaned forward excitedly, unaware of the doom at hand, "It's a really awesome song by Peelander-Z! It's ca-!"

_**THWACK!**_

For once, it wasn't Sousuke who suffered the harisen, Kaname's patience having completely run out. "Idiot, no one cares, don't say such stupid things if you don't know what you're talking about, dammit, no one needs to listen to you butcher a language!"

Ren came up to them, holding out her hand entreatingly, "Now, come on, let's calm down."

"I _AM_ CALM!"

"How could you yell at Ren?" Mizuki shot an accusatory glare at Kaname.

"I'm not yelling!"

"Please, allow me to express my displeasure in this situation," Ren sat down at a keyboard provided for her and began to play Moonlight Sonata, a few strands of hair falling loose from its tight confines at the back of her head.

"Your anger is Mozart?"

"Who knew she could play?"

"Woo, play 'Harusaki Sentimental' next!" Ono-D shouted, waving around a lighter as though he were at a concert.

"Shut up, Ono-D!"

"Geez, you're being a real bitch today, you know that?"

As the girls continued to argue, Ono-D occasionally throwing in the unadvisable word or two here and there, the manager came from seemingly nowhere to clap his hand on Sousuke's shoulder, "Now's your time to shine, boy."

Frowning, sweat rolling down his face at the thought, Sousuke nodded with a strained expression, sighing as he marched over to the bar. Looking to Kyouko was still stationed there, he bowed his head to her, "Please Tokiwa, if you will."

"Oh, right, sure thing Sagara."

Sousuke stood up on the bar as Kyouko rolled down a screen with an image of a beach printed on it. The manager turned down the lighting, switching to a track set of colored lights over the bar and Ren began to provide a somber musical backdrop. Then, the horror began, silencing all in the room as they half expected the apocalypse to come forth from the terrors their ears paid witness to.

"In hell," Sousuke began, his eyes closed not in deep concentration of what he was singing but so that way he did not have to see the looks directed at him as he embarrassed himself, "the English are chefs..."

"Someone save us!"

"...The Germans are police officers..."

"Arrest _him_! This is torture!"

"...The French are engineers..."

Mizuki, forgetting the song, took it as a personal affront, "Hey!"

"...The Swiss are lovers..."

"Make the hurting stop!"

"...And the Italiaaaaans are bankers!" no one could say he didn't commit to a mission. Singing was not something he was accustomed to, and it certainly was no strong suit of his. It wasn't that his voice was terrible, but the emotion, or lack-there-of, it carried was enough to detract from any decency it had. Still though, despite all of his desires against it, he got up and he performed the song as was required.

The screen slid up and he descended from the bar, confused by the particularly horrified and non-direct stares of the patrons seated there. The singing at the desired effect at the very least, as everyone in the room had something they could agree on. That performance was _horrible_.

Just as everyone got back to work though, there was a loud crash echoing through the cafe. Lying on the floor by the waiter station was Shinji, crushed by the fan boy masquerading as Germany for the moment. Shinji's arm had collided with a dish pan, sending it flying through the air and over the bar, it made its way past the order counter and into the kitchen, colliding with the back of Tsubaki's head. When he turned to see what hit him, he met Sousuke's hard gaze and narrowed his eyes, "You...! Sagara!" he shouted, diving over the counter, clearing the bar and rolling to his feet, armed with wok and ladle.

Dodging a swipe of the ladle, Sousuke jogged away, escaping behind the door to the back room, Tsubaki hot on his heels. Kaname started to follow, but the all-too-familiar sound of a disgruntled man clearing his throat stopped her, and she turned to see her absolute _favorite_ customer waving an empty glass of iced tea. Shoulders dropping at the prospect of leaving those two along for any amount of time, she nodded and took the cup, refilling it and seeing to the rest of her customers. Her unease grew with every moment she spent away from the warring boys.

Marshmallows were flying through the window to the kitchen and bouncing off the counter into the lobby and across the bar. It was just as she found the time to get back there that a rogue confection hit her square between the eyes. "Oh, that is _it_!" she ran through the door to the back, faint shouting following her through.

"Help me, Ono-D, aren't you supposed to be the hero?"

"Sorry man, I'm supposed to be against you. Have fun!"

"Why me!"

"Sousuke! Tsubaki! Stop it already!" she shouted, her request falling on deaf ears as they continued their battle. Tsubaki stood poised on the sink, feet planted on either side of the basin, wok held up as a shield and he was waving the ladle around defensively. On the center island stood Sousuke, a grenade launcher pumping out marshmallows gripped tightly in one hand, a tuna bravely wielded in the other. If it weren't for the ridiculous weapons, it would have looked like something out of a fantasy or a video game like that one she had played with them some time ago. Regardless, it had no place there. "Dammit, I said _STOP_!"

It was impossible to ignore that shriek. Stopping mid-action, both boys turned to look at her, "Chidori. When did you get here?"

"When a marshmallow hit me in the face you idiot! What the hell are you doing!"

"He threw something at me in challenge! It's time for me to exact my revenge!"

"Get your revenge later, get back to work this instant or so help me-!" she left the threat open, really not needing to finish her sentence. The combatants were well aware what she was capable of. "And what the hell kinds of weapons are you guys using anyways?"

Tsubaki looked at his wok and ladle, shrugging sheepishly, "They were in my hands, so I just kept using them."

"You've expressed displeasure with my using any kinds of explosives so I modified a grenade launcher. Unfortunately, the only projectile it seems capable of firing right now is marshmallows."

"That doesn't explain the fish!"

Looking at the exalted tuna, Sousuke frowned and looked back up at her matter-of-factly, "We were in the freezer and I needed something to wield. It was before I had retrieved my grenade launcher, so I grabbed the nearest thing I could to defend myself with."

"A _tuna_, Sousuke! Really? A tuna of all things?"

"It was what was available."

"Oh, never mind. Just, make sure it isn't ruined or contaminated and put it back if you can. Tsubaki, you're gonna have to clean up in here and get back to working on orders, we've got a lobby full of hungry people and I need Sousuke back out there."

"But, Chidori, he's-."

"I don't care about who started it, I just want it finished!"

"All right." "Yes ma'am." The boys spoke in subdued tones before getting to work on what she had told them to. Shaking her head in frustration, Kaname walked back out onto the floor, pausing at the door when she heard an odd sound.

Turning her head to the bar, she saw Kyouko standing by a sink, flustered by something. There was a rubber bouncing sound and the girl was scrambling to retrieve whatever it was that was making the noise. Kaname scratched the back of her head, fascinated by the fact that every time she heard the sound, Kyouko's massive fake boobs would swing about, jiggling in time with the sound. Realizing she was staring, completely captivated by the bizarre occurrence, Kaname shook her head to clear it and diverted her attention elsewhere, twitching when she caught Ono-D equally mesmerized as she'd been. Clenching her fists, she stomped over to him, smacking him across the back of his head with her harisen, "What do you think you're looking at!"

"I, uh, was just studying the, er, reaction of two opposing forces having the, ah, equal and opposite reaction?"

Not amused, Kaname brought her harisen up over her shoulder and shot him a look saying she didn't buy it for a moment, "Uh-huh. Right. Nice try, now get back to work, and don't you dare let me catch you objectifying her again!"

"I was just doing a scientific study, you know, for a project, that, has yet to be assigned, uh, or, you know, something." Ono-D's shoulders sagged forward as he realized he'd lost the battle, and he begrudgingly turned away from the enticing sight of those make-shift breasts swaying.

Making sure he was back to his work before looking away, Kaname sighed and tucked the harisen back into its hiding place and made her way over to her distressed friend. "What's going on over here, Kyouko?"

"I can't catch it!"

"Catch, it, what, what are you talking about?"

Kyouko shook her head as she tried to grab whatever it was once again before answering, sounding out of breath, "A boy's bouncy-ball fell into the sink and it just keeps bouncing!"

She couldn't help it, not after all that had happened that day. Kaname dropped her head to the counter so loud the impact echoed through the cafe, and she began to laugh in hysterics. Taking her attention away from the sink, Kyouko tentatively reached out to lay a hand on Kaname's shoulder, "Are, are you all right, Kana?"

"Fine, fine, just, ugh, so totally NOT FINE!" she stood up all at once and threw her arms into the air. "Why can't anything ever go nice and smooth, I mean, honestly, how hard is it really to attend to assigned tasks and stay out of trouble, seriously! Why is everything a battle?"

Laughing nervously, Kyouko backed away from her angry friend and shook her head, "Uh, I don't know, it's kind of exciting though right? Things would be pretty boring if they weren't."

"I like boring! Boring is good! There's a reason it's a _curse_ to wish an interesting life on someone, dammit!"

Patting her back, Kyouko murmured a soft 'there, there' before returning to her task, grateful that the ball finally lost its impossible momentum and had come to rest. She picked it up and cleaned it off, returning it to the boy who owned it with a smile and soft warning not to lose it again.

Kaname straightened up, wiping away a few tears from her eyes as she gathered herself. Taking in a deep breath, she slapped her hands on either side of her face to wake herself up and then pumped her arms enthusiastically, "All right! This isn't how Chidori Kaname acts, I have to get a hold of myself!" Hearing a customer call out to her, she turned and waved with a smile, "Be right there!"

* * *

Now was his chance. With everything that had been going on, it had been difficult to find an opportunity to launch his attack. He was alone, there were no eyes on him, and still he stole away into a dark corner to commence with the plan. Yes, everything would go according to the preset mission objectives, it would be a success or else the consequences could be catastrophic. Scanning the perimeter, he nodded to himself, satisfied once more that nothing would interrupt him. Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath and listened carefully, his hearing honed by years of life-and-death situations.

Yes, he certainly was alone. All would go as planned. Mission was looking to be successful.

With a shaking hand, he reached carefully and secured the target. Taking one more moment to be absolutely sure he was, indeed, alone, he licked his dry lips, hoping that his strength would not fail him in his time of need. Suddenly, without a second more of hesitation, he pulled with all of his might.

"How do people _wear_ this stuff?" he wondered as he gave the tight undergarments another yank, trying to make it so they wouldn't ride up on him so easily. Pressing his back against the wall as he took in several deep breaths as though he had been unable to breathe before, he closed his eyes and took the moment to relax.

A slam made him jump from where he rested and Kaname shouted at him, "Dammit, Sousuke, I told you I needed you out there, now get your ass in gear!"

"Yes ma'am!" he snapped to attention, despite the fact that she had already turned around and returned to her post. Sighing, he adjusted the uncomfortable garment once more and then left the sanctity of the back for the madness of the lobby. As he emerged, he heard the sounds of arguing, and immediately his spirits fell, fearing the worst.

That he might have to get back on the bar and sing again.

"Dammit, Mizuki, get to work, what do you think you're doing sitting around?"

"I don't _have_ to be here, I only came because you asked!"

"Well fine, go home, _without pay_!"

"That's not fair, I've been working!"

"You've been doing nothing but complaining, and to the customers even! So unprofessional!"

Walking up to the pair, Sousuke knew it was a long shot, but he attempted to diffuse the situation regardless, having only his best interests in mind. Being shouted at, beaten into the ground, insulted, and ridiculed, those things he could stand. The performances, however, were too much. "Please, dissent in the forces leads to-."

"Shut it, Sousuke!" "Stay out of this!"

"But, please, if we could just reach a compromise-."

"I'll show you compromise," came from behind him, not the pair in front, and before he could turn to see who was there a cool breeze fluttering in from his gladiator skirt being flipped up.

Staring at the fan-girl from over his shoulder, eyes wide, he was, for once, at a loss for a reaction, frozen in shock as he was. He was, if he recalled the word correctly, being _groped. _ The girl's two hands firmly grasped his two cheeks and she grinned devilishly up at him, flexing her fingers and kneading his flesh. Kaname twitched, ready to charge forward as Mizuki cackled, pointing at the violated soldier, "Well, least I'm not a man in a skirt!"

"Oh, shut up Mizuki!" turning her attention from Sousuke's plight, the argument started back up again. "At least he's got something to show! Unlike you," Kaname reached up and grabbed at her own chest in indication.

"Oh, sure, rub those in my face why don't you?"

"I'd really rather not."

"Can we make that happen?"

"_SHUT UP, ONO-D!_"

Sousuke had backed himself up into a corner, away from the prying eyes of the fan-girls, and a hand reached out from over the order counter to rest on his shoulder. Nearly jumping out of his skin, he took in rushed steadying breaths as he looked at the manager who was standing in the kitchen, looking out at the scene. This place was dangerous, his senses were obviously dulled if people kept sneaking up on him.

"You know what to do, boy," the manager turned and left him with that, and Sousuke swallowed against the foul taste of what was to come.

Looking over at Kyouko, he nodded to her and she returned the gesture, bringing down the screen and handing him a ukulele as he climbed onto the bar. Everyone got quiet for a moment before screams of panic echoed through the room, no one really wanting to relive his singing. Mizuki ran into the back with a shout, "I'm not listening to this _again_!"

The music started up and people quieted down as shock settled in. The singing, "In heaven...," it was actually pretty good! Then, his playing, it was, actually decent?

"...The French are cooks..."

"Hey, this isn't half bad."

"...The English are police officers..."

"Now why couldn't he do that the first time?"

"...The Germans are engineers..."

"Guess he really wanted that last one to be hell!"

"...The Swiss are bankers..."

"...And the Ita-..."

"Huh?"

The music cut off and Sousuke stood there, looking for all the world as though he no longer was in possession of a soul at the prospect of what was to come. Kyouko rubbed the back of her head and laughed nervously, "Sorry, Sagara, I accidentally tripped over the cord."

Sighing and shaking his head, he nodded to her, "It's all right, Tokiwa. Thank you for trying." He was about to leave the bar regardless of the fact that the song was unfinished, but a glance behind him saw the manager standing there, arms crossed over his chest as he watched the boy expectantly, foot tapping impatiently. Frowning, Sousuke strummed his instrument experimentally, the sharp twanging noise causing everyone to cringe. There may have been a slight whine in his voice as he sang the last line of the song while trying to do his duty and stay in character with a faked drunken slur, "...And the Italiaaaaaaaans are lovers... or something like that WOOHOO!"

He did it. He didn't know how, but he did, and now that it was over, he was done. Scrambling off the bar, he stuffed the ukulele into its resting place and continued to duck behind the counter, not wishing to emerge. Kyouko laughed nervously, patting his shoulder supportively, "It's a really admirable effort, Sagara."

Hanging his head, he nodded despondently, "Thank you, Tokiwa."

During the 'show,' Shinji had been trying to hide from his unwanted suitor, the boy having been trying to console him for having to listen to the singing. Ducking behind a table, he looked up to see Ono-D waving his hand, beckoning him over, "Hey man, I got a great hiding spot for you."

"Really?" perking up, Shinji glanced around nervously and then dashed over to his friend, "Where?"

"Right here," he motioned behind him, and without a second though, Shinji rushed in. Ono-D closed up the box with a grin, standing up and looking for the Germany wanna-be. Finding the fan boy, he waved him over, showing off the box with a flourish. In large angry letters, the word 'FUCK' had been scrawled across it, delivering Italy in true Hetalia fashion.

Grinning, the fan boy gathered up the box, showing amazing strength, he shook it as though checking a present. From inside was a muffled protest, "Hey, quit it!"

"Oh, you're coming home with me!" the fan boy exclaimed, shouldering the load and walking off with a dance in his step, singing, "Buono tomato, buono tomato, buono, buono, ooh! Tomato!" The door was held open by the manager as he skipped out with the man's nephew still contained within the box.

"Good night, Shinji, say hello to your mother for me!"

"Uncle, save me-!"

"Have a pleasant evening, Kazama," Ren bowed as the door closed, the stifled screams coming to an abrupt halt when the door clicked shut.

Several hours passed and finally - finally! - they were closed. Tsubaki emerged from the kitchen, having finished up cleaning his area. Looking at the group, he waved to them, "Anyone mind if I leave now? I have a project due that I need to work on."

Poking her head up from the table she was wiping down, Kaname flapped her hand, "Go on, Tsubaki. Thanks for the help."

"See you tomorrow."

"See ya, man," Ono-D called out.

Kyouko came out from the back, having removed the pudding filled water balloons, a hand braced on her back. "Ow, those things are heavy. Kana, how do you do it?"

"What?" she was switching tables, not paying full attention to the girl.

"My back is killing me after having those on all day! It must be rough, having to deal with them constantly."

Figuring out what she was talking about, Kaname smacked the rag she was using to clean off tables against the nearest flat surface, "What's _that_ supposed to mean!"

Shuffling, Kyouko shrugged shyly, "I just mean, well, you're pretty gifted, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's not more of a curse."

"They're _fine_, Kyouko! Don't you worry about my breasts!"

"Man, I am _loving_ all this talk of breasts today!"

"_Shut up, Ono-D!_"

Silent the whole while, Sousuke shook his head as he moved off his finished section and began working on what Kaname had yet to finish cleaning from hers, intent on getting out of there as soon as possible. Ren was taking over Ono-D's slack, serenely bussing tables with a smile. Kyouko backed away from her friend's anger and turned to help Ren finish up Ono-D's section while Kaname turned back to Sousuke with a huff. Laughing, Ono-D just grinned and looked at the women helping him, getting back to work with a lackluster effort.

Walking over to Sousuke, Kaname smiled and grabbed the rag from his hands, reaching up to put a hand on his arm comfortingly, "I'm sorry you had to go through so much today. Thanks for being a good sport and putting up with the singing. And those crazy molester fan girls."

Staring at her in tired confusion, he nodded slowly, his shoulders sagging with relief as a tenseness that had held him all day was released. "Thank you, Chidori. It is for the mission, after all, so I will bear it all as it comes."

"Sousuke, this has nothing to do with your mission." Maybe it wasn't a good idea to point that out to him, if his thinking it kept him going through it, but she couldn't help it. It was so very far removed from his mission to guard her, and if his exhaustion was any indication, it might even be a hindrance.

Smiling wanly, he bowed his head to her, "It does. Because it involves you."

Blushing slightly, she turned her attention to the booth he had been cleaning, fingers turning over the cloth she held nervously. Glancing at him sidelong, she bit her lip and nodded to him, "Right, okay, well, thanks, then. For putting up with it for me. Why don't you go get ready to leave? I'll finish up here."

"Thank you," he would have stayed at any other time, but he very much wanted out of that costume. Not to mention there were only two or three tables left to be worked on. While he was enjoying the freedom of his school uniform, the others came in, trading a few tired words. Kaname and Ren disappeared behind screens while Ono-D ducked behind a set of lockers to get changed. Sousuke nodded to Kyouko who smiled at him sympathetically.

* * *

"Busby's Chair."

A spotlight shone on the haphazardly repaired chair from earlier in the day as a voice spoke from the darkness.

"Long ago, the murderer Busby sat in this chair as if possessed. After his death, a rumor spread that those who sat in that cursed chair would soon die. It is said that it has sent nearly sixty-one men to hell."

The overhead lights flickered to life, breaking the somber mood as Kaname poked her head in to the lobby, "Manager, just what are you doing? We'd just finished cleaning up!"

"Oh, right, sorry Chidori," Kawaguchi got up from where he sat, back against the wall on the ground by the bar. He walked over to the chair and dragged it into the back where it belonged. Walking back out into the lobby, he handed Kaname the usual DVD and a curious jug.

Holding it up, she eyed it curiously and then raised a brow, looking at him questioningly, "Cursed spring water, manager?"

"You'll see."

The lights were turned off once more and the group left, Kaname looking up at the sky thoughtfully, "I wonder whatever happened to Kazama and Mizuki?"

"Kazama was last seen leaving the cafe while trapped in a box carried by that one strange boy," Sousuke replied stoically.

"Huh. Mizuki probably just skipped out on us. Ooh, I'm going to give it to her so good tomorrow!"

"You get her girl!"

"Shut _up_, Ono-D!"

Back in the cafe, there was a soft, weak banging on the wall in the freezer, "Guys? Guys? Someone? Anyone? Hey? Hello? I'm still in here you know!" Knowing it to be useless, Mizuki slumped in the corner and took out her phone. The battery had drained quickly, and she poked uselessly at the buttons, arms wrapped around her legs as she rocked back and forth in an attempt to keep warm. Trying to keep herself occupied, she sang the first thing that came to her mind, "Draw a circle and there's the Earth, draw a circle and there's the Earth, draw a circle and there's the Earth, I'm the amazing France!"


End file.
